mrsbrown: (Default)
 Yesterday I damaged something in my lower back.  Straight after I did it I went walking, started my stretches and put a hot pack on it.  I also started taking drugs.  You know you're in a goodly amount of pain when you don't get the whoozy feeling from the codeine, and you just feel a bit more normal.

In the afternoon, I got tired and lay down on the couch.  I think I stayed still for too long and my back got much worse.

Early this morning I got up to have a wee and I was in too much pain to walk, let alone lower myself to the toilet and I gave up and took pain killers instead.  I was able to move a bit better 30min later and successfully sat on the toilet.

I went to the physio this morning and burst into tears when he asked me how I was.  He immediately went and got me some pain killers.

My back is taped, I have recently had pain killers and right now I'm in almost as much pain as I was in at 3am this morning.  It hurts to change feet as I stand, it hurts to think about moving from one room to another and I'm in so much pain I can't think.  I don't know what position I can put myself in to stop the pain for a while. I've thought about lying down, but I'll have to get up again in 30min to do my stretches and avoid damaging myself further and I don't think I want to contemplate the pain that getting down and up again is going to involve.

I think this level of pain means that taking a train to Canberra will be a stupid idea.
mrsbrown: (domestic goddess)
I got up early so I could sew.

I read the internet and had breakfast.

I went to the kitchen to clear the table for sewing.

I had to put away some dry goods.

I (re-)found the moths in the pantry.

I went through every item in the pantry and dealt with all moths.  Threw stuff away, containerised other stuff.

I wiped all of the pantry surfaces.

I decanted quick oats into a container.

I couldn't fit the last cup full in.

I made Anzac biscuits.

I'm sitting down to have a rest.

I'm not sure I have the energy to finish clearing the kitchen table, let alone start sewing.

I have to leave the house at 12 and it's currently 10.15.

I've learnt this lesson before and I would normally set up a new table with trestles, but the family room is full of stuff and I'd have to move it.  Today, I can't win.  Virginia Wolfe, you're right.
mrsbrown: (Default)
Given my morose inability lately to do anything about organising the stuff in my house, it's even more astonishing to think about what I spent today doing.

Today we went to the unit my Oma lived in for 25 years and brought home furniture, knick knacks, household linen and pictures.

Why pictures?  I already have at least 5 pictures that I haven't hung.

Why furniture?  I have pieces of furniture that I  decided that I don't want/don't need about 2-4 months ago and they're still in my family room and backyard, cluttering up my life.

I regularly decide that I should do something about them, I stand up and look at them and then get overwhelmed and sit down again.  

From the comfort of my couch, perhaps I could manage to write the list of what needs to happen;
I need to put some of it out as hard rubbish.  I can ring council and then put it out the night before they come to collect it.  Maybe I should do that last, so that the stuff I don't get rid of by other means can go too.

We need to freecycle/offer to friends the stuff that we don't need.  This probably includes; ikea kitchen cabinets, computers (if I can persuade mr-bassman that storing 5 year old computers in our laundry is a waste of space), cupboards, a desk,

We need to absorb the stuff I collected from Oma today.

I need to cut down the grapes so that we stop tracking grapes into the house, and they stop just falling and making the backyard smell.  The bees are a bit scary too.

Sigh!  This is too hard too.  Perhaps I should just tackle one room at a time.  It would be nice to have the kitchen and family room sorted before Easter.

To cheer myself up, here's a list of some of the stuff I scored from Oma;

A circular wooden clothes dryer, like the one I remember hanging my dolls clothes on when I was 4.
a bunch of cups for at Clifton Hill
an icing gun and biscuit extruder
a nutmeg grinder
a bunch of embroidery fabric and cottons
a print of a drawing by Anton Pieck
An electric mower
a replacement gas stove (and gas lantern and heater)
an extendable oval table for doushkasmum and sacred_chao
a bunch of linen tea towels and bath towels in better knick than the ones I own
a leather jacket
a canvas stretcher bed

I also scored inadequate sleep and an overheating headache.

Blah




mrsbrown: (Default)
Every night after dinner I have the same choice;

Do what I want to do, with a small child in my lap.  Or spend my wakeful hours reading stories and making myself sleepy.

hummpfh

hormoans

Oct. 13th, 2009 05:33 pm
mrsbrown: (Default)
Has it been a month since I last felt this crap?

Or do I have that to look forward to too?

sick!

Jul. 13th, 2009 09:51 am
mrsbrown: (Default)
At home again today.  Doctor's appointment this afternoon.

Very exciting waves of feeling completely crap - I think I have a bacterial infection and the waves are the bacteria washing through my bloodstream from whereever they're hanging out.  That's probably my sinus, or maybe my eustacian tubes, because I frequently can't hear and my head hurts.

Now; do I watch The Tudors (I'm glad Rose is at childcare) or organise my finances including my life insurance?  
mrsbrown: (Default)
I should know better than to stay up too late making myself depressed.

Or is that why I'm still up?

I guess I'll find out in the morning, when I do, or don't, leap out of bed with enthusiasm for the stuff I want to do this weekend.

I hope Rose (and my brain) lets me.
mrsbrown: (Default)
Rose woke me up just after mr-bassman did, but that was at 6ish, so not so bad.

Then she chatted, and wriggled until I finally got up at 7am.  I had a shower, chatted with Rose the whole time and then I had to work out what clothes to wear and all I wanted to do was climb into bed and tell the whole world to f*ck off!

I now have jeans and the nearest top on, and some toast and tea warms my belly.

I'd still rather work from home today, but the world is not quite as bleak as it was as I contemplated dressing.

OTOH, I still have to work out what to wear...

CBF's

Mar. 16th, 2009 06:42 pm
mrsbrown: (Default)
I think this is one of those hormonally charged whingy posts. It's been 4 weeks and 5 days since I last felt this overwhelmed. Based on that, my next one is due 2 days after Festival, while I'm encouraging my sister to make her way through labour. Blah.

It includes complaints about how I can't get myself to ride my bike to work and how retail therapy would be really good, but I already spent $100 on fabric and I don't really need anything at the moment (I could spontaneously buy [livejournal.com profile] mr_bassman a laptop and not tell him until it came home...)

It also goes on and on about how there are so many things I should have already organised but can't seem to find the gumption to get started.

And don't et me started on how hard it is to type "g" this week. It's the same problem as I had with "n" last week, that has resolved itself.

I seem to be doin less and less, which I know is how to set yourself up to do even less.

Now to lie on the couch and wait for dinner to magically appear.
mrsbrown: (parenting)
Last week [livejournal.com profile] sjkasabi and I decided we needed to get onto Facebook so we could find an old friend. BTW, I avoided that by using MsNotaGoth's account and the results were inconclusive. I found her (the old friend that is, not MsNotaGoth) through Google, but not enough to know what she' s doing now, only what she was doing in 2001. I was amused to realise that I knew I had found her when I found a photo and had only seen her hands and wrists. She has incredibly skinny hands, wrists and feet. I think she might be in Canberra, but home with children, 'cos one of the references I found was a submission to the ACT Government on children's health.

Anyway.

Today I recieved an email from another school friend. Someone I haven't seen since I invited all my school mates to MrPeacock's first birthday party. She didn't give me much info in her email, but Google rescued me again and I think she has been operating in friendship groups with people I know from the SCA. I know that's not surprising, it's more surprising that I haven't run into her before now.

I feel really uncomfortable with this. What am I supposed to do now?. It's exciting and all, but there's a reason I didn't keep up a friendship with this person. I don't know what it is, and it might just be the whole becoming a mother at 20 thing, so that actually, her 3 year old daughter and my 3 year old daughter would get on like houses on fire and we could talk about music and she could come to singing at my place and it would be fabulous.

Or else I could spend time agonising about what to write her and then she'd spend time writing to me when actually we've got nothing but our school history in common and it would be just hard work.

Sometimes I hate being shy.

or thinking too much

I had a lovely time reading about her life though.
mrsbrown: (domestic goddess)
That's the title I came up with on my bike ride home as I mentally made the list of things I hate about me and what I do.

I hate that I have the attention span of a gnat and the only way I can do big projects is if I capture my initial enthusiasm and get far enough into it that I've either sucked a bunch of friends into pulling me along, or nearly finished.

I hate that I can't do that with renovating my house and that I'm perpetually coming up with a different project I want to work on "right now!"

I hate the fact that everytime I think I'm going to have the time/headspace to spend six months resolving my house renovation, I come up with another SCA project that seems like more fun - until I'm sick of it or it's finished and I realise that I haven't got a renovated house yet.

Oh well, off to lie on the couch watching dumb Friday night TV and feeding Rose to sleep.

See you in the morning when I'm feeling better.
mrsbrown: (Default)
Contemplating my future is making me quite glum.

Actually, I'd really like for it to continue on as it is now, minus the occasionally shitty bits, and incorporating space for the cool changes I've been dreaming about for a while.

But I'm a grown up. I know life's not like that. Even if I do nothing, stuff will change.

Now I just have to work out the best change for me.


aaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!
mrsbrown: (domestic goddess)
a headache, an upset tummy and an inclination to lie down and close my eyes.

I'm still cutting out MsNotaGoth's dress though.

in between little rests on the couch.

good thing: I finished the petticoat today. Gee, tulle is hard to sew! It loooks a bit wonky, but I'll put the dress skirt over it and see if it's a problem.

aaaaaargh!

Jul. 16th, 2008 08:28 am
mrsbrown: (parenting)
She wrote on a form that she was coming today.

Her mother emailed us to make sure we knew she was on her way.

But Sneetch and I were already in bed, preparing to get up at 4.30am, to get to the airport at 5am to pick her up.

So it took until 7.30am to work out that she'll be here tomorrow. After waiting for her for 2 and a half hours.

And paying $20 for parking.

And taking a day off work to recover, which I'll want to do again tomorrow but won't be as able to.

Grrrr.
mrsbrown: (parenting)
Sneetch has appropriated my laptop for the evening and is playing a game, despite my ruling the other day that others could only use it to do homework on.

He's so charming, and it's nice to have him interacting with his sister where I can see. He's often here for only one night a week and he spends his evening playing a computer game in his room, with the door closed. Tonight he's sat on the couch and been available for interruptions.

But I want my computer baaa..ackk

Maybe the 3minutes and 57 secs are over now and he'll give it to me.
mrsbrown: (Default)
It occurred to me this morning as I moaned to myself about how crappy my mood is today, that maybe I can blame my mother.

When I was 6 my parents separated and, according to my mother, I became very depressed. Mum took me to a psychiatrist who asserted that I blamed myself for the breakup and put me on Lithium, one little red pill in the morning and one in the evening, less on weekends when I visited Dad who disapproved of giving a six year old medication for depression.

I remember going to see the psychiatrist, I quite enjoyed my visits. Again according to Mum, they cooked up a plan to encourage me to read a lot. That it would give me an escape.

We now head to my adult life and I find my head in a book whenever life is a bit difficult. Except it doesn't feel like it should be difficult at the moment, most things are fine; I just hate the world and wish everyone would fuck off.

This fortnight I've read the Vorkosigan saga, from beginning to (almost) end. I've read in the tram on the way to work, and home again. I've spent evenings reading on the couch and then headed to my bed to read a bit more before bed. When I've woken in the early morning and can't get back to sleep I've read some more.

I know I've spent a couple of holidays in my life reading for a few days and usually gotten to "I wish everyone would fuck off".

I'm wondering if I'm making myself depressed, with a pavlovian response put there when I was 6?

OTOH, I am worried about MsNotaGoth.

She's avoiding a SAC for English Language and she can't give up this subject like she did Psychology a few weeks ago. Avoiding a SAC means she's also not attending school. She went to Drama yesterday, but hasn't really _been_ there since last Thursday.

In my head she's always been the one I've worried about and I've doubted her ability to do stuff.

It's taken a steady stream of friends and acquaintances singing her praises to make me believe in her ability to manage life and her world and when she does this, I'm still not convinced.

I worry that my attitude to her makes her more helpless, so that the right thing to do is to sit on the sidelines and watch, as she makes her own way in the world.

But she's my daughter.
mrsbrown: (sca wind)
I've stayed up too late, waiting for someone else to put Rose to bed and now I hate everyone.

Even you.

I'll be better in the morning, I'm sure.
mrsbrown: (Default)
Has been submitted, 10 min before the midnight deadline.

If it were for Uni, I would be lucky to get 50%.

It's crap.

Thank god it's over.

Now to get on with preparation for tomorrow - sleep!

It's late

Apr. 12th, 2008 01:01 am
mrsbrown: (Default)
and what's the best thing to do when you get home from a social gathering that you sort of didn't have time or energy to go to, but really needed to reconnect with the people there?

Stay up even later, listing all the things you have concerning and worrying you at the moment. :-)


So, here' s the list;

The stuff I want to take to the tourney and feast tomorrow - includes; water barrel, table, carpet, sunshades, handsewing projects, music and recorders (even some non-dance music) and the standard going to a feast stuff, and the coronet that needs fixing but I never get around to.

The work on the work project that I told you all I was going to finish last weekend, that I didn't and should really spend sunday doing.

The work situation, with the ownership and the management position and the negotiating with 4 timid people and someone who just wants to reduce her workload and stop running the company on her own. And the money. And the responsibility. And the HR coaching of the employee who could almost be me two years ago.

And the not having enough bedrooms for the children in my life to all realistically live with me and how that sucks for a reason.

So the renovation that I can't don't want to afford, the full version of which would solve my problem above. But probably not in sufficient time to really solve the problem.

My renovation:

Goes in cycles so I never get anywhere. It goes like this;

I need 5 bedrooms (I currently have 3) ,
that will cost $200K,
I only want to spend $100K (or less!),
I should build X - for $100K it will give me a nice bathroom and kitchen and a replacement bedroom for the one I'm going to make into a bathrrom, it will also give me a nicer dining space and usefully increase the value of my home (that I probably don't want to sell, ever),
but I need 5 bedrooms,
that will cost $200K

repeat ad nauseum for the past 10 years.


grrrarargh
mrsbrown: (domestic goddess)
I think of myself as trustworthy.

Lately I've been feeling like it's harder to achieve than I like; That the promises I make to people are not always being kept.

I try to prioritise stuff. I put family stuff first, then work and then my hobby.  But I feel like my actions aren't really keeping it like that, I think because when I make a promise to an individual, that overrides the priority goals and I have to keep it, or my brain will explode with the stress.  In some ways the Baroness thing is a promise I made to a whole bunch of people, so it's harder to prioritise it in it's rightful place (at the end) or I feel super guilty about some of those promises.

Promises are really useful at work.  I use my promises to people to motivate me to do stuff and create deadlines that I then have to keep.  But I think maybe I have too many promises on the go at the moment.

It is reasonable for my daughter to ask me to spend time helping her to organise her room (build bunk bed, clear my desk, move it to her room, move new desk to study)
It is reasonable for my workplace to see me for at least 7.5 hours a day, if not longer, particularly when I'm about to become a shareholder and there's stuff I need to do about that.
It is reasonable that I attend Monthly Bash, sufficiently prepared to reward people for the stuff they do, looking like a Baroness.

I'm not sure I can do all three this week, while also mothering that 2 year old and occasionally paying attention to my 15 year old.  My husband will also have to wait, and I certainly shouldn't do any work on that sock I'm halfway through.

Also, there are 7 weekends until Festival, and only two of them don't have an SCA commitment.

This is a bad time of year for my work commitment, and I think that's my real problem.  My brain doesn't want to let me put that ahead of SCA stuff, particularly Festival and really, I just want to go home and sew. (After I've organised MsNotaGoth's room).

(pause for getting myself to bed and chatting to Sneetch)

Hmm, this rave has put the summary into my head - I'm so stressed I can't do anything except recite the list of things I should be doing but haven't done.

And the problem is half solved - I've written the list and I can start ticking things off, that'll make me feel better.
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