MrsBrown's philosophy of life and stuff

Sunday morning reflection

2024-02-03T21:54:26Z

The decision to take six weeks off work and spend my time on the couch has been pretty good.
I seem to have my "just do stuff" reflex back, it was a bit hard mentally to watch myself seeing stuff that needed doing and not be able to make myself do it.
I spent last weekend grandmothering at the beach and it seemed to work pretty well - active mornings at the beach or in the pool, followed by a 1hour nap with the 3 yr old and then another activity before heading to lie down on the bed by 8.30ish and sleep at 11. Most activities included getting there and then sitting down for a while.
This week I've tried to push that a bit more and I think Friday might have been too much - worrying about a work deadline, a short bike ride, 2 x 20min walk and then making dinner. Although writing it down it looks similar to my efforts on holiday, it feels like the walk was longer than I've done in a while.
Anyway, I had an awful day yesterday with a headache that wouldn't shift and I've been feeling overtired for a few days. I think I need to get back to the nap regime.
Anyway, my long covid symptoms seem to be mainly the waves of fatigue that go for 10min or so and then go away, the weird balance thing where my legs struggle to keep me walking in a straight line. The awful feeling just before I need to eat and then again a little while after. And the unusual ability to just sit on the couch or in bed for longer.
I also feel like I need a nap when I wake up, but I think that's normal for me and goes away if I just get moving. Because I'm spending so much time sitting and lying down, I never get moving and the feeling doesn't go away.
Anyway, I think I can manage this, although it would be nice to be back to riding my bike 60km per week and 2 pilates sessions, as well as full days of moving from one house task to another.

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Fear and uncertainty

2024-01-01T00:13:59Z

I've been planning to write this for a few days, but it seems to be making me cry and I have better things to do with my energy, so this is now a list of the things I can do, rather than mourning the things I can't.

I got Covid on Oct 12, took antivirals and was not very unwell at all. I spent some time over the next few weeks noticing my excessive heartrate and my need for an afternoon nap but had plenty of days when I felt fine and tried to do all thie things that were most important to me - picking up grandchildren on my bike (the 3km bike ride version, not the 30km version I had been doing each week), making dinner for the family once a week, moving into my new kitchen, going shopping occasionally.

I'm now having my second crash in energy since then. The first came after a 8km bike ride, when I spent 3 days extremely fatigued and this time after christmas when I thought I'd been careful but felt pretty good so probably kept going when I shouldn't have. Anyway, I spent the past few days thinking about all the things that I'm not sure I"ll be able to do and it's terrifying.

Anyway, here's my new, couch based lifestyle plan.

Working - I can do almost all of my work while lying on the couch. I'm not sure that it's a great use of my energy, but my TPD insurance will only cover half of my expenses. Which would be useful if I was really ill, but I can still work from the couch and I have my life set up so that I don't have to work full time. I'm even more annoyed that when I applied to double it last year it was rejected - full rest might have been a really good option.

Cmmunity activism - Can also be modified to be a mostly couch based activity. I seem to feel better in the evenings, so I've been able to attend meetings without obvious ill effects the day or two after. I was hoping to be stage manager for the community festival MrBassman and I have been part of organising, but February might be too soon to expect to be better.

Grandmothering - This is hard. I can't stop myself from over exerting myself when it comes to meeting the needs of my grandchildren. I had to cancel a caring session on Saturday because I knew I was too exhausted. I guess I can arrange to hang out with them in their own home, or with another caregiver. I can probably also do sleepovers and an hour or two some evenings. This feels like an important time in their lives to enjoy hanging out with them, and one that is worth prioritising. I particularly hated my 8 weeks on the couch with a broken foot for the grandmothering I missed. I'm also aware that a solid commitment is harder for me to make right now, even if it's more useful for my kids.

Bike riding - I can do pootly rides up to about 2km round trip where I just gently move my feet enough to enable the electric motor. It's easier than walking. I can take a child on the bike for short distances. I can sit on the back of the bike and be ridden places, but none of my family members are as keen as I was, so they won't ride as far.

Gardening - Everything is mostly in place for summer, but there's a bit of weeding and pruning that needs doing and I'm not really up for. Is this something I can make part of Rose's gap year personal development? OTOH, when I have Rose working on something she needs to have a body double or she'll just stop. Maybe I'm just asking for over exertion if she does that. Hmm, maybe that's how to get my Dad involved in the Rose Gap Year Plan? Or I need a gardener.

Rose Gap Year Plan - Planning this can be done from the couch. There is a support worker I can make use of for some of the outing based stuff and MrBassman is always good for transportation. The plan is to set up a bunch of activities, courses and life skill development so that Rose is able to find her own things to do, interests to follow and ways to earn money.

House Renovation - After a quick discussion, it appears that if I threaten to hire a tradesperson to do a task I would normally do, MrBassman loudly proclaims that he can do it. I'm just going to have to ask for help with the furniture moving, and keep the tradie threat in my back pocket.

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Thinking about brains, mine specifically

2023-10-20T00:27:35Z

I had covid last week and a migraine yesterday. My brain is going a mile a minute with my pent up list of things I want to do, but my heart is also racing and I'm struggling to stand up for long at a time without feeling dizzy.

I'm sitting drinking a litre of water to increase my blood pressure and thinking about how to stop my brain from racing. Usually I would do one of the things on my list to bring me brain comfort but what do I do when that's not an option? I read. Hmm, no wonder I spend so much time online - I'm compulsively looking to shut up the voice in my head.

I wonder if adhd meds would change that experience?

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What a week!

2023-04-02T07:22:21Z

When I started writing for LiveJournal I soon learned that it was very easy to use this format to complain about my life, but that the journals I enjoyed reading didn't do that. I've tried to keep it upbeat ever since and my FB the same. But maybe now that I'm down to 5 readers here, I can return my journalling to the mind dump of my worries it used to be.
The last week has been a flurry of caring responsibility, together with worry about the Festival prep that neither I nor mrbassman has done. Normally I can allocate my caring energy a little to each of of my children, but this week I've felt like I finish caring for one with the next waiting in the wings. It's all been doable, just relentless and it's involved active care for three of them, with worry about the fourth hanging around whenever I remembered.
Oh well, I'm off to the National Folk Festival on Thursday and I can just leave them to their other parent and my mother.

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Folk Festival thoughts

2023-03-13T03:06:45Z

When you go to a music festival you expect to listen to a lot of music and I have experienced enough of them to appreciate the way your mind and thinking processes change as a result. I love that feeling and I'd like to have it for as long as possible please. I'll need to feed it by seeing more live shows and probably playing some music too.
The bit I didn't expect was so strongly identifying with the older women performing.
It's really powerful hearing the stories these women tell about their musical journey and their casual dropping mention of their grandchildren or their difficult childhood, or taking up music later in their life. If you can't see it, you don't dream it.
And that's why I was crying in the Gina Williams concert this morning.[1]

Anyway, I'm going to start a band called Gratuitous Advice" and I'm going to sing grandmother advice in a blues style.

[1] also empathy overdose, also having some shit I'm dealing with, also, as Sneetch observed, estrogens poisoning like at least 4 other older women there.

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Tired?

2023-03-02T02:10:34Z

Yesterday I spent the day on the couch with a headache, after I'd ridden for 40min with a teenager on the back of the bike.
Today I really need to get started but I'm still sort of tired in the way that everytime I push myself to get up and do something, I find myself sitting down again within 10min, but not tired enough to just take myself to bed.
It's the sort of tired that would probably go away if I had an external motivator, like colleagues or somewhere to be, but might also become read a book and fall asleep.
I guess I'm tired.

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The optimism of a Monday morning

2023-02-26T22:15:48Z

Friday's whinge worked well. My equilibrium was back and, while I didn't do all the things I felt better anyway. I also realised that I'd had a weird fortnight of work, where I did a 8 hour task 5 times in a fortnight, rather than my usual 2. I had 24 hours less time available for other stuff and it was no wonder that I was frazzled and short of time. Also mrbassman is almost better, so I'm not discombobulated by that either.

Let's see how I go this week.

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Just do the thing?

2023-02-23T22:00:10Z

This stressy feeling is about not being able to quieten my brain about all the things I need to do and be worried about. I usually manage it with compartmentalization, but because I've let loose the floodgates of acknowledging that I have a lot on, I'm constantly checking to see if there's a thing on my list that I could be doing in the quiet time.
Wierdly, I associate this feeling with the huge productivity I've had in periods of my life - the degree and small children, baronessing while working full-time, but this time I don't have many external constraints on my compartments, so they bleed and I'm stressed about all of them at the same time. I'm also super wary of triggering the anxiety spike/burnout experience I had in 2015 and 2016. I don't have time for that shit.
I can admit that I have some extra burden this week - top of that list is mrbassman having shingles and needing me to take on the housework/shopping duties that are normally his, but also Rose hitting her stress limits so that I have to either let go of the homework regime I was pretty proud of, or change the approach.
It's that thing where the stress makes it harder to do the thing, but your stress reduces when you achieve it. Gah!

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How'd I do?

2023-02-20T11:54:53Z

On Saturday I made the weekly time block arrangements and today was day 1.
As I started the day, I had a 1.5 hour hole blown in the plan when I was reminded of a community meeting I wanted to be at.
Then mrbassman came home and announced that he had shingles. It's very discombobulating to have that happen and it meant that work time was again sacrificed for supermarket and drug shopping. It's ok though, I worked all evening instead of doing the sewing I'd allocated to the "homework timetable".
On the upside, I'm pretty sure I've decided to make the time to do the Diploma of Governance.

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I need to decide what to do

2023-02-18T02:16:54Z

There seem to be a lot of things I both want and need to do and I need to work out a hierarchy, so I can make decisions on the fly that work with my intentions. I also need to get a lot more strategic about doing stuff that maybe I need to delegate.

Here's what's currently on my list of things that are important to me;

Hanging out with Grandchildren
Hanging out with children
Getting Rose through VCE in a way that maximises the result, while keeping her happy
Gardening
going to Festival
Making things projects including clothes for Tam (started), wicking bed for Tam (started), thermal pants for A, my clothes projects
Regularly cooking interesting meals for people who enjoy them
Leading the Neighbourhood House committee
Being an active participant in my local community - North Richmond Reference Group, nifty grant opportunities
Keeping up to date and suggesting fabulous new things for the local community
Keeping my clients happy while avoiding being overwhelmed by work
Hanging out with my parents
House renovation
regular exercise
Active travel advocacy
Getting enough rest, both physical and mental, when I need it

Work has a bunch of urgent things, as well as a couple of important, non-urgent things that I'm just not getting to. The important, non urgent thing was employing someone to reduce my workload, but has become rearranging my accounting systems so that I can easily manage employing someone . The change in problem is because my brain has almost processed the way to do this, so I should be able to start soon.

I also have a couple of life admin things that I'm not getting to, and it's starting to get me down that I haven't done them - my will, my dad's (updated) will and power of attorney, working out how to negotiate and approach care for my dad and step-mother.

In the past week, I've started doing some time blocking stuff that's working pretty well. I'm working on one or two non urgent , important things each morning, the afternoon involves sitting in bed regularly working on a weekly deadline, then Rose comes home and we do homework. Some days I've also gotten up earlier and done some work in the garden before I start work or I've done garden for 20min after Rose's homework. I also have regular commitments to grandchildren some evenings. I'm a bit surprised that the time blocking thing is working - I often get quite rebellious about rules about when to do things, even when I made the rules.

Another thing on my list is to find a way to move my family into more of a mutual aid community, rather than me as the provider of all support.

This has become urgent because I need to work out if I have the time/energy to do a Diploma of Governance course, which has a scholarship available for women like me and fits well with my special interest in community. Can I allocate 5 hours a week to this? Could I do it by going away for the weekend once a month and doing it intensively? I keep putting myself into positions where this would be useful, but have been putting off doing it for the past 10 years. If I don't do it soon, when will I have the time?

Actions:
1. Expand the time blocking concept (without stressing myself out) and make a weekly timetable for me. It will include allocations of "pottering time" when I don't have a regular schedule to do things.
2. Dedicate some extra time to the "employ someone" action item.

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Barn tent replacement

2023-01-03T23:30:25Z

Last Festival, we used the barn tent and struggled with the mould and disrepair. But the shape was great as an open plan kitchen, dining and living room.
As Festival finished, I started a draft of what a replacement might look like and I reviewed that list this morning (after I gave up on using Twitter to stay in bed for a bit longer).
Now I'm wondering if the rectangularised version of my sleeping bell might be a good option? There's info about it on my other blog here.
I'm also wondering if one of the 4 versions out there might be available for us to borrow or buy - much easier than making one from scratch! Otoh, we couldn't have removable walls with a borrowed tent.

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OMG! Dinner!

2022-12-23T04:26:02Z

Cookbooks make dinner is more complicated than it needs to be. A successful family meal at dinnertime includes food that everyone is happy to eat, some protein and some vegetable. But the most basic requirement is to feed people without resorting to takeaway delivery and without spending more than 20min on it.

This is a collection of recipes and philosophies, together with essential pantry items, regular fridge contents and supplements that are intended to support you to answer the question, OMG! what's for dinner?

OMG dinner ideas start with answering the question, "pasta, rice, potatoes or pancakes?". They also rely on you making them often enough that you know exactly what to do and don't have to think or worry about them. Anything that fits the 20min or less and really easy for you to make, will qualify as an OMG dinner.

A bonus of adopting OMG dinners and eating them regularly is that kids like eating familiar foods so they eat more.

I suggest that you start with one of these meals and make it once or twice a week for a while,, before adding in another option. The recipes here are a collection of OMG dinners from the past 30 years.

Recipes:

Pasta
I keep egg pasta in the pantry and, when I remember, I buy fresh ravioli to have with these sauces. G might like the pumpkin flavour. I often serve with broccoli.

Pasta with red sauce
Put pasta water on to boil. Grate carrot and other veg, then fry in lots of olive oil (cover the base of your deep frypan at least 2mm deep). Add passata, mixed herbs, salt, pepper and frozen peas. When the water boils add pasta and set timer for 1min less than cooking time. Add broccoli(if you have some) when timer goes off and cook for 1 min. Scoop pasta and broccoli into frypan with red sauce and mix. Serve with too much grated parmesan and more black pepper. You can also add white beans.

Pasta with egg and cheese
Put water on to boil. Put grated cheese, pepper and eggs (1-2 per pasta serve) in a bowl. Cook the pasta, then mix the hot pasta with the egg mixture until it looks good. Lift the pasta directly out of the boiling water so some of the water goes into the egg mixture - it works better that way.
You can add crumbed broccoli to this - cook the head of broccoli in the water for 1-2min before you put in the pasta, then chop the broccoli finely and mix it in at the same time as the pasta.
It's also pretty good with chopped smoked almonds on top - for the bacon like flavour.

Rice
I find it pretty easy to make rice, but my Dad has been doing well with precooked rice sachets from Aldi. Keeping some cooked rice in the freezer is also an option.

The Moosewood cookbook includes a number of sauces that you pour over steamed vegies and rice. At it's simplest, precooked rice, with mixed veg from the freezer and satay sauce would be a quick way to avoid takeaway.

Satay sauce
heat grated ginger in oil and add curry powder. After a min add some water, then soy sauce, brown sugar and peanut butter. Cook until it's all mixed and looks right, add more water to make it runnier.

Potato
Mashed or roasted?

Roasted
If you have time, a collection of roast veg, including potato is pretty good and you can add haloumi for protein. There are lots of sheet pan recipes out there that would work well as OMG dinners.

Mashed
Mashed potato is a meat and three veg sort of meal. I like to boil carrot and potato together, then mash with too much butter, pepper and salt. You can also add cheese. Serve with a mix of veg cooked individually and some protein - fake sausages, bought veg burgers, haloumi etc.

Pancakes, fritters, okonomyaki.

The essence of okonomyaki is finely cut cabbage or kale, with a bunch of grated vegetables, including carrot and the green bits of spring onion. Put the veg into a bowl, add salt, a bit of flour, some sesame oil and eggs. Fry them in patties and serve with mayonnaise and tomato sauce.

Okonomyaki are just fritters, with other flavours.

Spinach and corn pancakes use pancake mix to hold the spinach and corn together. Served with cheese, they're reasonably quick and filling.

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Why I like sandwiches cut in "big triangles"

2022-12-11T07:48:23Z

For the past 35 years, I have asked the small children in my life, "do you want your sandwich/toast cut into squares or triangles?" After a beat I follow up with, "or rectangles". And if they ask for triangles, I then ask, "big triangles or small triangles?" I always love it, and I enjoy the interesting curve balls they sometimes throw and I have to work out how to do squares and triangles, or stars, or circles.
Last weekend the eldest grandchild asked me what my favourite shape was and I answered, "big triangles." They asked "why?" and this is how I answered.
When I was 5 my mum sister and I went to Europe and we went driving through France and Italy. On the trip, I remember that we had stopped for lunch in a roadside cafe. It felt like a largish room and I remember the waiter bringing me a toasted cheese sandwich. That sandwich which was the best sandwich I had ever eaten. It's the toasted cheese sandwich I measure all the others by and I remember that sandwich whenever I make a toasted cheese sandwich for myself. That sandwich, the best sandwich of my life, was cut in "big triangles" and whenever I eat a sandwich cut in big triangles, I have a momentary flash of the joy I felt eating that toasted cheese sandwich in that obscure French cafe.

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Bicycle parking

2022-06-03T08:54:23Z

This is the start of a post for my work blog. It's a bit of a dump of all of the thoughts and research I've done over the last little while. It needs refinement and some more research.

I'm a member of the Yarra Active Transport Advisory Committee and we've recently provided advice on the draft Transport Strategy. Then my mother had her bike stolen from the "secure" bicycle parking at her apartment building and my son moved into a 70's apartment block without any space for bicycle parking at all and I realised that there's a gap in the mindset of those of us who want to encourage active transport, particularly bike riding.

My understanding was extended when I was part of the community consultation for the local Public Housing Estate. The draft masterplan includes reduced car parking, but hasn't acknowledged the resident experience of insecure bicycle parking. People on the estate currently have nowhere to store a bicycle but they all have access to carparking.

We can build as many bike lanes as you like, but if people don't have somewhere convenient to put their bikes, they won't own them and they won't ride them. (I wonder if that's what makes electric scooters so popular?)

When I decided to shift more of my regular transportation to the bike, I had to make sure that my bike was easier to get out than the car. It had to have the lights on it or nearby and the same with weather proof gear, locks and the helmet. Here's me on the radio talking about what I did. What role do councils and advocacy groups have in promoting great bicycle parking facilities?

As a Green Star assessor I see lots of bicycle parking facilities that are supposed to be a positive addition to a building but I'm convinced that lots of architects have never ridden a bike, or used bike parking facilities or had a bike stolen. Here's what I think every apartment building bicycle parking facility should include;

suitable paths between the entry door and the next available locking position
flat access in the facility
ramp access from the street to the facility
a mix of flat bar and vertical bike parking to allow for children and older bike riders, as well as the able bodied who can lift their bikes.
security nuts on all locking frames
Obscured view of the bikes inside - no chain wire!
cctv of the entry
individually identifiable access cards, with building manager followup to make sure that access is removed when moving out.
more stuff here after I hear from apartment residents in Yarra

Sustainability Victoria have a Waste Management and Recycling in Multi-unit Developments. Better Practice Guide. It includes an appendix with full calculations and suggested layouts for various size apartment buildings. It would be great if there were something similar for bike parking.

Other references;

https://www.bicyclenetwork.com.au/our-services/bike-parking-experts/
City of Yarra Transport Factsheet
White paper on AS2890.3 by a bike parking equipment supplier
Better Apartments Design Standards only worried about access to bike parking, not the quality of the parking provided.

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The future?

2022-03-22T07:10:26Z

I went out to the second industry event in two years today. Yesterday, I went to the first.

I hadn't been keen on them in 2018/2019. I kept feeling like I just didn't want to interact with people, or to flick the switch in my head that puts me into social mode. When ever I went to one, I expected myself to be sociable and go hang out with the "cool kids", but I just couldn't drag up the enthusiasm for it.

Here's the thing though. I have stuff to contribute. At yesterday's event I asked a question and then the forum leader and 2 other people came to talk to me afterwards about my perspective and contribution. And today, I failed to ask my question/put my point of view at the event and now I'm sort of busting to write a blog post in response to the topic.

If I genuinely want to change the world using my professional skills, I have to engage in this industry stuff and I probably need to make the connections that I can make at these sort of events.

My work is currently a thing I do when I feel like it, usually for 2-3 days a week and less than 6 hours each day. It's pretty comfy, but it doesn't involve much personal growth or learning. I do what I do really well and I don't make the time to stretch that. I wonder if I need to go out to industry things, to push myself to look outside of the stuff I'm already really good at?

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Jittery

2022-02-11T03:43:12Z

I haven't been able to settle to work since Tuesday. I have a fee proposal to complete that my brain is refusing to focus on. I sit down at my desk and wonder what I'm supposed to be doing, I look at my work list and then remember it, again! I open it and type a few words and then I'm off checking facebook, my email, wondering if I'm hungry and I find a distraction activity before I sit down at my desk and start again. I'd really like to put on some music and finish this stupid fee proposal - that's almost identical to the last 4 fee proposals I've written that normally take me less than 1 hour and which I've been trying to do since Wednesday afternoon. So here, have a dump about all the things/emotional turmoils and general worry I'm having.

1. My Dad is struggling with his new role as dementia carer. I went over there on Tuesday night for his birthday and he was mostly great, but then he burst into tears telling us about a bad day that he'd had recently. He also talked about how he has asked what other support he can get, but the care agency just told him that "they would get someone to call him back". Now I feel like I need to include him in my list of people to support. I spent Wednesday morning checking out Dementia support that would be suitable for the stage my Step mum is at.
2. Which is also a load. It's awful seeing my step mother stop talking at a family gathering, to hear Dad talking about the stuff she's struggling with. It's obvious that it's basically time to mourn the person she was and accept our changed relationship. It's shit.
3. And then, on Wednesday we found out that 17catherines had died. I only met her once in real life but her chirpy view of her world and ability to share it with the internet meant that I've followed her life for the past 15 years or so. As she reduced her posting here and on her politics and food blogs, I sought her out on Facebook and followed her day to day adventures. I loved that she was able to provide the care and friendship that I struggled to provide to an old friend and I loved seeing their adventures together. I 'm not grieving her as much as others surely are, but it's a loss that I've revisited a number of times over the past few days and it's made this week a bit harder. I'll miss her stories about working at WEHI and her cooking enthusiasms and her cycling adventures. I was so inspired by her plan to cycle from Brunswick to Williamstown and have a few days holiday, and then we found out that she'd died there. Unfair!
4. I think I have more work on than I've had in a while. Objectively, when I check my work lists, it's not more than I can do but my brain keeps revisiting the worry that I won't be able to get it done and then I sit at my desk and can't work out what to do first/next. Thanks brain.
5. I sent an email to my builder on Tuesday telling him that I want to terminate our contract. I'm in my legal rights to do it, but he hasn't responded and I wish he just would, so I can move on with the next stage. I want my renovation done this year and I'd quite like to Owner-Build it but see item 4
6. We've booked to go to Rowany Festival and that seems to include making both tents and clothes in the next 7 weeks, which include a trip to Canberra for one weekend. As I worry about being overwhelmed by the planning, organising and doing associated with this plan I've also been thinking about all the home based projects we've done in the past 2 years, that I think we had the energy for because we weren't sidetracked by Festival projects and the post-project slump afterwards.
7. I'm struggling to breath overnight. My nose/sinus feels blocked and I've woken up with a headache a couple of times. I had it regularly until about a year ago when I started taking an anti histamine before bed. Now I'm wondering if anti-histamines stop working and if I need to change drugs.
8. On Wednesday I was offered/appointed to this great local board position that I first applied for 2 years ago. There are some minor politics things happening around that that I'm feeling a bit uncertain about and the first meeting clashes with my first trip to the theatre in 2 years. Made worse because I booked the theatre last year and they've announced the meeting today as the only meeting that the local MP can attend. I think I'm going to the theatre, but I'm torn. I hate missing stuff.
9. R started Year 11 last week and she's mostly doing fine. I insisted that she do maths (I want her options open) but she's now had 2 anxiety driven days when she's felt that she needed to leave the maths class. I've put in a request for a maths tutor at school but I'm aware that if it gets too hard, I might need to accept that it's too much for her.

There. I thinks that's all. Maybe now I can sit here on the back verandah and get this fee proposal finished.

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Tired

2022-01-08T11:22:51Z

I had a terrible night of sleep last night, I couldn't get comfortable, I struggled to fit on a shared single mattress and I woke every 2hours or so with a very dry mouth and the feeling of a blocked nose. Then I spent today completely exhausted, with a headache and a sore throat. Symptoms that I suffer often enough that I'm pretty sure it's not Covid.
Tonight, as I prepared for bed, I realised that the ritual I have developed has a certain amount of superstition associated with, all of my actions are aimed at avoiding a night and day like I've just had. Here's hoping that;
A glass of water to stave overnight dehydration
An anti-histamine in case it's allergy that gives me a blocked nose

Careful flossing of my troublesome root canal/possible sinus problem tooth

Teeth brushing seems to help avoid a dry mouth too

Asthma preventer to make sure I breathe as well as possible
Nose saline spray to clear out my sinus before bed.

I'm not sure what will work, but I'm willing to do them all if it means a good night's sleep.

EDIT: Woot! 7 hours straight without waking up and then another couple of hours after that.

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Grieving friends

2021-12-11T00:10:18Z

About 20 years ago, my brother outlaw[1] died and, every so often, I'm reminded of him and have a little cry. There's a well defined understanding of grief and that's part of it, so I have my little cry, decide if I need to indulge it or not, and then get on with my day.

Losing friends has only recently been described as a grieving process to me and it makes sense of a whole lot of feelings that I have about moving away from a very important friendship group. It makes sense of sitting in bed for 2 winters, unable to do anything but watch another episode of Glee or Outlander and it makes sense of these times when I just have to sit and cry about it for a bit. Today I've written about the end of my friendships and the associated grieving because it's a great way to understand it better and to keep integrating the feelings into my actions.

When I was a child, my father was a part of a couple of friendship circles that were very intimate. We ate together regularly and went on holidays together for weeks at a time. The group worked on projects at each other's houses too. And then as I describe it, someone slept with the wrong person and the whole thing blew up. I watched it happen twice and, as an adult was aware that my friendship circle was in the same danger as those friendship circles of my childhood. In fact, my friendship circle lasted longer than some of those groups from my childhood and I'm very grateful for that. I still grieve for the loss of that circle in my life.

It started when she was unwell for 6 months in about 2012. 6 months of regular headaches, queasiness and inabilty to work. I worried about my friend every time I heard about another bout of her being unwell, as well as in between when I wondered what could be wrong with her and if it was something that needed a full medical investigation. I suffer from a bit of medical anxiety and I invested my medical anxiety brain space on her. Unfortunately, my feelings didn't get better when I discovered that she'd been suffering from anxiety due to the secret she'd been keeping. Then I just moved on to a sense of betrayal that the person who I told all my inner most thoughts, and who I thought told me hers, had been keeping this really big thing a secret from me. And that I had expended so much of my emotional energy worrying about it.

One of the joys of this friendship circle was the lack of judgement I felt in that set of friends. There was a freedom available that I never knew I had missed. It was particularly powerful to have this experience as I recovered from my first non-marriage. Most importantly, I felt like my children were a welcome part of my friendships and my parenting style was accepted and supported in a way that I rarely felt in the rest of the world. I thrived in their company and I felt like my kids developed great relationships outside the family unit too.

Then I had a baby. A baby who I looked forward to bringing up within the friendship circle. A baby who could give a parenting experience to these people who for various reasons weren't having babies of their own. I had what I recognise as unrealistic expectations about what it would be like to have a child grow up in this circle. Because it didn't work exactly as I imagined. It might have worked if the girl was as easy and pleasant a companion to my friends as my older children had been [2], but she was different and I was struggling to work out how to change my parenting style to meet her needs. It meant that sometimes her needs weren't met and being around her was unpleasant and difficult for other people.

In about 2014, we were still regularly hanging out and doing a bunch of the things that we always had. I had a feeling of unease in their presence but we could keep things light and still work together on SCA stuff. I still thought I had a friend that had relationship issues that could be resolved. Then I found out that they were regularly hanging out with a group of SCA people who spent time critiquing my parenting of the girl. AND THEY WEREN'T ACTIVELY DEFENDING ME!!!!! (Woah, based on my emotional response to this, this is the thing that made remaining a part of stuff untenable). Not only had my "best friend" broken my trust, but my SCA expectations of acceptance had also been broken. AND, to be candid if awful, at emotionally weak moments it makes me feel like my daughter's disability caused the loss of my friendship circle.

Not long after this, I announced that I would not be participating in our regular camping experience. I was still telling myself that this was a set of relationships that I could talk through the issues and just needed to hang around with for long enough and then things could go back to how they were. I now understand that I blew up that prospect when I forced them to rename our campsite.

The feelings I have about losing these friends are awful but I also know that I chose them. It was very uncomfortable feeling these feelings while trying to rebuild the friendships. I just couldn't do it even though I tried for 3 years.

Yesterday, I found out that my older child has been invited to a party with that old friendship group. It's OK and reasonable that I wasn't invited, with the pandemic and my unease in the SCA, I haven't even maintained a surface friendship with that mob, but today I'm sad.

I'm sad that I've lost that inner circle of friends. I'm sad that I don't trust that group of SCA people, and I'm sad that my child's support needs got in the way of one of the best friendship circles I've ever had in my life. I'm also sad that I can't currently see how I could develop a new set of the friendship relationships that would be as good as what I had.

This is grief. It comes and goes and I will be OK.

[1] The thing you call your inlaws, but when you're not married.
[2] No, they weren't always great, but they were mostly pretty good

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Bored! update

2020-05-27T03:37:37Z

These outbursts are really useful, even if they're a bit difficult for the people reading (all three of you?) Here's what I realised when I reflected on all of those feelings;

1. I was bored and struggling to entertain myself after too long on the couch that day.
2. Even though I live with 2 other people, who are supposed to want to hang out with me, they pretty much never suggest something fun for us to do together. I'm responsible for all group activities in our house and it's exhausting. We've had a discussion about it, hopefully they'll improve.
3. There's a lot of pressure to get ppl to do group activities because the teenager spends so much of their time on a screen that it feels like they have very few life skills. My other children were much more self sufficient at the same age.
3. When I was a child I was forced to spend my weekends at my dad's house. It was very upsetting that he would ignore me and spend a lot of his time watching sport. It's why I hate sport now, and makes me a bit more triggered when people who are supposed to care about me ignore me by watching their screens. I'm not anywhere near as fussed when they ignore me because they're working on their own project - I can go and watch what they're doing for entertainment too , I guess.

There you go. A bit more equilibrium.

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Winning as a parent

2020-04-20T00:20:07Z

It doesn't happen often, so I plan to celebrate.

Rose has spent most of the time over the past 3 weeks on her computer. It's been disquieting but also pretty normal. It's her preferred activity and displaces so many of the being a human activities that I both really hate it and feel completely sucked of the energy to do anything about it. There were occasional glimmers of hope - she made cookie dough spontaneously one day, and we could always get her to come and hang out with the family for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I also really loved the DnD campaign that finally got started after being talked about for months.

Last week school started and I wanted to get a bit more motivated to get her into a routine, so we had the win last week where we listed what needed doing that day and she did 2 of them and then had enough and withdrew back into youtube. On Friday we didn't really get anything done.

On Saturday, I thought a bit more and decided that I would make a list of the activities I wanted her to do more of and that for each activity she would earn 30min of computer time. The winning part (for now) is that she has turned into a computer time hoarder. Yesterday she "earned" 9 hours of computer time and she's currently reading a book (30min=1hour) after finishing 2 classes worth of school work while sitting at a desk (2.5 hours), wearing pants, coming for a walk, eating breakfast with us and playing a musical instrument for 10min (2hours). When I commented on the hoarding approach she told me that she was planning to avoid using her computer "unless she really needed to".

I expect that she will get to a point where she is comfortable that she can be on the computer as much as she likes and will then stop. But I think she will also run down her time and realise that maybe there is a balance. Let's see!

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journal for posterity

2020-04-13T01:29:15Z

Yes, I should keep a journal, it will be interesting to read later. Also, there's so much stuff swirling in my head, it will be useful to get out. Also, also, if I do this I won't have to do any work. I think I'll make this my daily work ~~procrastination~~ trigger.

I just made a cup of tea and remembered to check on my saurkraut. I made it three weeks ago (I think) and left it on the stove where I would see it. Our first troubleshooting came when I noticed that the liquid was brown - it was too hot. Then, a couple of days ago, I noticed that there seemed to be a mould colony growing on the side of the glass jar I'm using as a weight. I've just cleaned it off and settled the thing down again, but I need to check that I'm not about to poison anyone - I don't think so based on something I read a while ago, but I'll double check. Honestly, the mould is my own fault. Like so many things I do, it got towards the end of the process and I'd nearly had enough so wehn I thought, "I should sterilise the outside of this jar", I quietly washed it with hot water from the tap and went on with the sense of achievement I was looking for by finishing. OK. Found the site that had the answer I was willing to listen to (ignored the ones that said throw it out) and I think I need to get the weight out, and put it in the fridge. Also, eat some for lunch with roast beef, mustard and cheese. Next time, I will choose a smaller jar - I couldn't put the lid and the weight on, so I just put a cloth over the top. Here's hoping that 2-3 weeks wasn't too long for me to enjoy my saurkraut.

My version of pandemic anxiety seems to be all about the food. I started with a strong interest in gardening, which has now become a mournful watching of youtube videos about how to garden and endless plans to sit down and plan how to use the garden bed I got Mrbassman to put together. But I can seem to worry about food quite well. We have a growing shopping list, and I seem to be planning my days around how much longer it is until I can make food and then making it. Although I'm also doing quite well at being overwhelmed and then just waiting for someone else to make it. I do seem to be using a lot of head space on planning the optimum time to cook bread, what sort of bread I should cook and then blinking to find that the bread has over risen or it's too late to put it in the oven and have it cooked before bed time.

Next, 2 hours of work, as per my daily routine checklist.

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Structured procrastination

2020-04-09T09:46:29Z

It was too nice outside to be sitting inside working, so we got heaps done.

I worked with Mrbassman to build a large raised bed and MsNotaGoth got busy cutting back the grapevine. Rose even came outside and participated for a while. We have a lot of light in the kitchen now.

This evening Mrbassman is making baby wipes out of old towels and I've dealt with the celery glut by making verdurette: 1 parts leek , 2 parts celery, 1 part parsley and 1 part salt. Minced together in the food processor and left in a bowl overnight. I'll put it in jars tomorrow and then we can use it for the rest of the year.

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On volunteer work

2020-01-21T00:53:04Z

Oops. I made a facebook post a couple of days ago in which I pondered the nature of volunteering in my local neighborhood and suggested that hanging around in local spaces was important community work. Unfortunately, I used a recent event that I worked on as the introduction, and one of my co-organisers has taken exception to my "attitude" to her volunteers and the suggestion that "hanging around" was more important than cooking sausages. It's terrible that I have upset her, and I obviously failed to see that as a possible outcome (thanks autistic brain) but otoh, she's sort of confirmed my disquiet by revealing that at least 2 of her volunteers weren't local, in fact they drove 2 hours each way to help by cooking sausages "for the kids". If they'd "hung around", maybe I would have known that :).

To be clearer than I was in my facebook post; I don't think that volunteering is a bad thing, and I think it's great that people are willing to volunteer. I do think we need to be aware of the impact and goals of the volunteering we do and the programs that are run. My facebook post and this post are intended to explore that issue and my thinking. I am pretty certain of my values, but I am not so certain of the best goals and implementation methods so I appreciate input from others and actively seek it - generally online because there are more of my people there.

This area, and other inner city areas, have a long history of privileged people coming in to do good works. It's how it was possible to demolish what it sounds like was very functional housing, because people who weren't living here decided that it was substandard and had the ability to agitate and lobby to get the government to demolish and build the public housing towers. It continues today with church organisations who run "homework clubs", using private school kids as tutors and then funneling successful students into Catholic high schools, leaving the kids who aren't as successful, or who don't have parents who make them go to homework clubs to go to the local high school. It appears to be great, but may not be the best outcome for the community.

One of the nicest things about the volunteering I've done recently was the increase in the number of people who i now say "hi" to as a wander in the local area. For me, that's what social cohesion is about - increasing the number of familiar faces for everyone, so that we all feel more comfortable in our local community. From my reading on the Transition Towns movement, we all need to increase the number of people in our local area that we can turn to when we need help. That means that I want to get to know both my immediate neighbors, who live in houses, and my other neighbors, who live in the flats and so far, I have.

I feel like getting locals to hang with locals has been my major goal with my community work, together with the caution of avoiding unintended community consequences. I feel like my summer has not achieved this as strongly as i would have liked although, as I've gotten older, I have learned that you need to identify the unexpected wins. So I don't think it's been a complete waste.

Firstly, just hanging out in some of the spaces in the local area means that I now understand how woefully they've been maintained and provisioned compared with how they would be if they were park spaces provided by local council. Pleasingly, we've won a lot of brownie points with the local MP, who is also housing minister, so we've started having this conversation. This needs more work.

Secondly, we've had to navigate the same bullshit bureaucracy that everyone else has to navigate. Except that we have the white, english speaking privilege that means we now have the ammunition to work towards a positive change. Now to actually do it.

i think the 3rd win might be that I now have a much more nuanced understanding of what i'm doing with my community work and what I want from it. Thanks for the ride.

So, even if we didn't get the locals coming and hanging out in the local spaces, there were some useful gains from my summer of work. Now to work out what I want to do next.

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saving energy

2020-01-16T21:26:29Z

When we design retail spaces we typically expect that the store will have a 20% occupancy, but that the lighting energy to the store will be designed to operate at 100% during opening hours. Wouldn't it be good if we could better match the number of people in a supermarket to the energy being provided to keep the store open?

I imagine that going to the supermarket could be a bit like riding in the Ghost Train at Luna Park. As you enter each section, it could light up. And you would have to wait until there are enough people to justify you starting the journey.

Although maybe the realistic version of that is using smaller stores for each of the supermarket sections - butcher, dry goods, fruiterer, deli etc. I wonder what's more energy efficient? The wholly lit supermarket behemoth, or multiple small stores that cover all of the stuff you buy at the supermarket?

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Why reenact

2019-03-25T01:01:29Z

This weekend we went to a private 14thC reenacting event. It was quiet and pleasant and gave us an opportunity to get Rose away from her computer and give her some interesting people to meet and alternative views of the world. I also got to catch up with some old friends and got to meet some people who might become friends in the future. But I mostly kept to myself. I watched the social groups there and pondered the nature of the living history groups - how they work and what makes one group more successful than another. I also thought about what I'm trying to do by getting involved with these groups. I want a new group of friends, or at least a bunch of people I can hang out with who can provide mutual support to make something better/bigger than I can do on my own and share my intellectual curiousity about history and how to make things. There were a bunch of people who seemed to be able to do that, so it's worth continuing.

However, my enjoyment of the weekend was soured by a message I received today asking me to justify the materials and design of the clothes we wore on the weekend. How am I to continue having a good time in these circles if I feel like I'm being judged? It's made worse because the dress I wore is not what I would prefer to be wearing. It's a dress that is mostly the right shape and materials but not quite the cut I would use if I made it myself and the sleeves are lined with a synthetic silk material. But its good enough for me to participate and I would prefer to get there than miss out. Also, I know that many of the clothing items I have made and worn over the years have been based on my best efforts at historically informed practice and then I or the community learn something new and I'm no longer happy with them. On that basis, none of my gear will ever be "good enough", it will only be as good as I can make it. I'm worried that if I have to always formally justify my stuff to an external arbiter I'm just going to be anxious all the time. How do other people have a good time in that environment?

What's a better way to deal with the tension between an externally moderated clothing standard and having a welcoming, happy, inclusive reenacting group? Here's what I think a group that successfully navigates this looks like;

Succeeds as a social group - people feel welcomed and supported
Publishes minimum dress standards and trusts the adults joining to do their best to meet the standard
Has leaders and long time members who wear nice clothes and model appropriate dress standards
Has regular craft based meetings which include informal conversations about dress standards and historically informed craft practice.

I don't think that the Melbourne based group is going to work for me. It doesn't do any of these things and I'm having a major personality clash with one of the older members (I think she was the origin of the criticism), but I'm very happy to attend LH events. I may have to start my own group - I'm thinking about it.

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