Perfection

[mrsbrown]

mishymoocow_2 and splodgenoodles have been talking about perfectionism lately.

When MrPeacock was small I spent a lot of time investigating giftedness (more for me than on his behalf I realise now). One of the things I found helpful in calming me down and giving me a positive outlook on the perfectionism that I realised was paralising us both, was an article including hints to put perfectionism into perspective and quote to inspire me. I kept both in close view for a few years and I thnk they helped.

I'm pleased to have found them again, because I think MsNotaGoth might find them useful as she goes back to school this year. They're going back to the toilet wall.

So here they are:

• Appreciate the trait. Don't be ashamed of being perfectionistic. Acknowledge your children's feelings of frustration. Share with them that you have often felt the same way and how you've dealt with your feelings.


• Understand that it serves a useful purpose. Help your children understand the source of their feelings as positive traits in themselves. Ideals and high standards are good, even if it hurts when one can't always reach them.


• Set priorities for yourself. Allow yourself to be perfectionistic in activities that really matter to you, rather than in everything all at once. Help your child recognise that no one can be perfect in everything, and that we all have to make painful choices in our lives about what to strive for, and where to settle for less than our best.


• Maintain high standards for yourself, but don't impose them on others lest you become a tyrant. Help your child distinguish between perfectionistic attitudes toward self and others. It's fine to hold high standards for yourself but unfair to expect others to conform to your standards.


• Keep striving even when your first attempts are unsuccessful. Encourage your children not to give up. Remind them that with practice they come closer and closer to their goals. It takes time and effort to achieve high standards.


• Don't quit when the going gets rough. Only allow yourself to quit when you're a winner. Give your children examples of people who felt intensely frustrated in their efforts and overcame their obstacles through persistence.


• Don't punish yourself for failing. Focus your energies on future successes. Try to be a model of self-acceptance, of willingness to look foolish and accept being wrong. Adopt a philosophy that there are no mistakes - only learning experiences. Help your child to process what is learned from each "failure." Successful adults do not expect instant successes. One father said to his children, "Anything worth doing is worth doing wrong' because it is only by doing it wrong that you can learn to do it right"


• Hold onto your ideas and believe in your ability to reach them. Support your children in following their dreams.


• Recognise that there are good parts and bad parts to perfectionism. We have choices about how we use it. We can let it paralyse us with fear of failure, or we can use it to mobilize us for unparalleled excellence. We can use this drive to help create a better world.


• There is pain in perfectionism. Fear of that pain can inhibit you from trying anything or you can deal with it courageously. Nothing is ever as bad as it appears. Teach your children that they can cope with this pain. It is a good pain. Help them realise that they are good problem-solvers, hard-workers, and emotionally strong. They may not be able to avoid the pain, but they can surmount it.

Silverman (1995)

And the quote:

The gifted will continuously set unrealistic standards for themselves, will fight windmills and city hall, will persist when others have given up, will maintain their visions of what is possible even in the face of disaster. They will push themselves beyond all reasonable limits to achieve goals they feel are important. It takes great personal courage to live in that gap between "what is" and "what ought to be" and to try to close it. The desire for self-perfection is painful and not everyone is willing to experience that pain.