MrsBrown's philosophy of life and stuff

Yesterday, Mordwen posted an extract from qamar's blog about the development of gender stereotypes, particularly in children.

I started to post a response, but it's more about me than I think is reasonable in someone else's blog, so here's a story about me and my experiences of gender.

qamar quoted a study I had spent some time talking with my mother about when I was a teenager.  I guess it was part of me working out my own gender identity.  It's the study where babies are dressed in "boys" or "girls" clothes and then the behavior of strangers towards the babies was observed to be dependent on the clothes the babies were wearing.

My first gender related story is of a memory I have of being about 4.  I remember standing in front of a mirror, I was wearing blue shorts and a striped t-shirt.  It was summer and I was looking at myself and wishing, wishing really hard, that I was a boy.  I spent most of the time until I hit puberty trying to be mistaken for a boy. It still makes me grin when people mistake me for a man, or call me "mate".

After MrPeacock was born I remember not buying a pink skivvie for him.  I noted at the time what I was doing, but decided to go with it.  I didn't have that problem for Sneetch - he wore his sister's handmedowns, even the skirts until he was about 3.5.  I was always amused to take him to childcare in a skirt and pick him up wearing pants.  He stopped wearing skirts when he decided he didn't want to.

When MsNotaGoth was about 4 I gave her a haircut.  As I did it I realised that I was making it look worse and worse, so I cut it all off, leaving it about 2cm long all over.  After that she spent more time playing with boys because they were more likely to include her in their games.  She also played with girls happily and I concluded that it was worth this piece of subterfuge to broaden her play options.  Maybe it's time to cut Rose's hair?  

I was interested to see how small boys defined gender.  Until MsNotaGoth went to school she was quite happy to wear dresses, they were her favourite clothes.  Then, after a week at school, she refused to wear dresses anymore.  The boys had been teasing her as if she were a boy wearing a dress.  She didn't wear a dress again until she was about 14, and still won't wear dresses without a dressing up reason.  Then again, I'm pretty similar.

Another time, maybe just before she started school, we went camping for the weekend with a group of extended family.  She was found with her pants around her ankles proving to a group of boys that she really was a girl.

In terms of my boys questioning stereotypes, I guess I've made a bit of a fuss about MrPeacock and his attitude to clothes.  Would he be called MsPeacock if he were a girl?  I love how he dresses and I love it when he's stood in front of the mirror discussing the exact cut of a piece o clothing, but I also feel a little bit uncomfortable and guilty in relation to my pleasure.

I think I've encouraged his interest in clothes - I've always praised him when he chooses clothes that match well, I've gone shopping with him and I loved it when I was choosing his clothes and could put him in interesting colour combinations and make him look great.

My children have always had a different view of gender to your average child.  We always delighted in telling them about their father's dress and makeup collection and I didn't own any makeup until my wedding 6 years ago (tomorrow!).  I work in a non traditional area and frequently do stuff (I can't think of anything right now) that other women don't do.  And then I muck it all up by having 4 children and enjoying cooking and sewing.  I guess their Dad mucks it up too by calling himself a feminist and then behaving/speaking aggressively towards women advocating feminism in a way that excludes him.

Anyway, with Rose life is more interesting again.  Her father has a much more traditional view of gender than the other kids dad did, and I'm more relaxed about just enjoying what ever person she becomes.  I have much less interest in playing games with society than I did when my other children were small.  I just want her to have a good time, and not feel that she has to fight with stuff all the time.  OTOH, we still seem to have trained her not to cry when she falls over, and to enjoy playing with blocks, trains, cars and computers.  I'm also pretty sure I would have estimated her crawling abilities accurately.

mishymoocow_2 and splodgenoodles have been talking about perfectionism lately.

When MrPeacock was small I spent a lot of time investigating giftedness (more for me than on his behalf I realise now). One of the things I found helpful in calming me down and giving me a positive outlook on the perfectionism that I realised was paralising us both, was an article including hints to put perfectionism into perspective and quote to inspire me. I kept both in close view for a few years and I thnk they helped.

I'm pleased to have found them again, because I think MsNotaGoth might find them useful as she goes back to school this year. They're going back to the toilet wall.

So here they are:


( A Few Hints to Help You and Your Children Cope with Perfectionism )

( And the quote )

- Sneetch and Mr Peacock spending the afternoon cutting vegetables for the roast

- Mr Peacock's comment during the meal, "every vegetable has been corrupted by fat and heat"

- the joy that mr_bassman, Sneetch and Ms Not-a-goth got in putting Rose's present together, and apart, and together. It's been a trike and a push toy at least twice each. Rose likes it too.

- the achievement of the happy family, without having to pretend, until 3.30pm. It couldn't last.

We seem to have started a family tradition. I have always (since having children, and only on the years they're home) had pancake breakfast with berries and cream on Christmas day. Last year my Oma and the kid's Oma came on their way to their main festivity. It was great and they asked if we could do it again. Then my sister invited her family over too. It was nice enough to do again.

I had a cunning plan to buy berries at the supermarket after they'd been marked to half price but mr_bassman and I were having too good a time singing carols to the people in Eltham so we got to the supermarket after it closed. Luckily, (actually, I knew I had a backup plan) I had some jars of cherries in the pantry, so we had black forest pancakes instead. Cherry pottage, chocolate ganache, pancakes, cream and ice-cream.

I only slightly over catered for the 10 of us, not including two babies. Please come to my place for morning tea, afternoon tea or dessert very soon. I have enough for at least twenty.

Note for next year: I may be considered too old for this, but good christmas gifts are the ones you can play with on christmas day. I didn't want to re-read a book.

first, my son said, when asked if my bottom was smaller, "it's less like a truck coming towards you"

and today my husband, complimenting(?) me, said, "your bottom is less globular"

It's a public holiday. The frantic preparations for Festival are over. It's too early to really start panicking about investiture. I've got another day at home tomorrow. It's a sunny day but not too hot. The baby is mostly amusing herself on a rug. (even more happy now that she's got her nappy off).

I love this time of year. I always look at myself at this time of year, realise I'm really, really happy and remember that I always feel happy on days like today at this time of year.

It's my son G's fault. I was 19, I'd just participated in the buying of my own house, we'd been moved in for long enough that we were settled in, the apricot tree still had some leaves, and I washed nappies in the old washing machine and hung them out on the line in weather just like today's. The washing machine was just like the washing machine my mother used when I was 2 or 3 and I was washing nappies in preparation for the birth of my first child. I was in love and all my fantasies were coming true. I loved it and I was happy. Days like today always remind me of that time.

Interestingly, I don't have the same happy weather association for the day about six weeks later when Dad installed a modern hot water service, connected the gas heater and brought over the modern washing machine. I was pretty happy that day too, but it was miserable cold weather and not nearly so chirpifying or distinctive.

My weather/G association is probably why I went all domestic today. I've made bread (actually, it's still rising) and I made pasta for lunch. No, I didn't boil pasta we bought at the supermarket, I made pasta- from scratch, with eggs and flour and my pasta machine. Everytime I do that I wonder why I don't do it as a matter of course. It takes about the same amount of time as boiling the shop bought stuff, impresses the hell out of people and is yummy!!! Also, you don't need as much pasta, or as much sauce.

Now to do the sewing I promised myself I would do today.