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mrsbrownI'm in that happy sort of place where the sun is shining, the temperature is pleasant and the breeze is caressing. I love it.
I walked G to school this morning because I wanted to have a chat with him about my sister's wedding. Basically I was hoping that we could avoid the, "you will go", "no, I won't" discussion we were heading towards last night.
I've found through my children's lives that if I invest a little bit of time (as little as 10 min) participating and listening fully, I can usually save myself hours of angst. When they were small and I wanted to do something for me - study or sewing etc, if I invested 10 min of the time I had in playing with them or making something or setting them up with something they wanted to do, I could than have hours ( or even half hours :) ) of uninterrupted time to myself. I'm still using this effect.
So this morning I wanted to persuade G to go to my sister's wedding instead of his friend's LAN party. I walked him to school, we talked about whatever he wanted to talk about. We were having such a good yack about his future, we went and had drinks at a cafe and then, at a suitable point, I inserted the wedding discussion. There is no way I want to put my foot down in the traditional parenting way and finish the discussion, but I need him to "get" that, equally, there is no way he can avoid going. That's a pretty fine line.
My master stroke, I believe, was when I told him that "going to this particular family wedding was one of the events that will define our family for years to come. When he is 40 or 50, he may not know his friends anymore, but he will still be able to relate to his family as the group of people who attended this wedding. As his parent it is my job to recognise these opportunities on his behalf and ensure that he doesn't miss them." I said that last night. Unfortunately it was mixed up in other stuff and he eventually lost it and declared that he hates my sister (because she restrains him from taking as many M & M's as he wants at parties - he's still a little boy :) )and there was no way he was going to miss the Lan party.
It was lovely to hear him reflect this back at me this morning, when he said, "I guess I have to work out what I would lose by not going" he then went on to plan a time for getting his hair cut before the wedding. I think he's committed in is head that he will go and I will now, carefully, behave as if I knew that's what he was going to do all the time. I think, I WON!!!
Am I being manipulative, or is only manipulative because I am conscious of the process I am using?
Anyway, today I'm going to get my hair cut and clean the house. Then I'm going to clean my mind with the help of a psychologist (we're going to talk about my attitude to MTB) and then I'm going to see Yassou N'dour in concert.
Hmmm, that's right, somewhere today I'm also going to do some Rowany preparation.
I walked G to school this morning because I wanted to have a chat with him about my sister's wedding. Basically I was hoping that we could avoid the, "you will go", "no, I won't" discussion we were heading towards last night.
I've found through my children's lives that if I invest a little bit of time (as little as 10 min) participating and listening fully, I can usually save myself hours of angst. When they were small and I wanted to do something for me - study or sewing etc, if I invested 10 min of the time I had in playing with them or making something or setting them up with something they wanted to do, I could than have hours ( or even half hours :) ) of uninterrupted time to myself. I'm still using this effect.
So this morning I wanted to persuade G to go to my sister's wedding instead of his friend's LAN party. I walked him to school, we talked about whatever he wanted to talk about. We were having such a good yack about his future, we went and had drinks at a cafe and then, at a suitable point, I inserted the wedding discussion. There is no way I want to put my foot down in the traditional parenting way and finish the discussion, but I need him to "get" that, equally, there is no way he can avoid going. That's a pretty fine line.
My master stroke, I believe, was when I told him that "going to this particular family wedding was one of the events that will define our family for years to come. When he is 40 or 50, he may not know his friends anymore, but he will still be able to relate to his family as the group of people who attended this wedding. As his parent it is my job to recognise these opportunities on his behalf and ensure that he doesn't miss them." I said that last night. Unfortunately it was mixed up in other stuff and he eventually lost it and declared that he hates my sister (because she restrains him from taking as many M & M's as he wants at parties - he's still a little boy :) )and there was no way he was going to miss the Lan party.
It was lovely to hear him reflect this back at me this morning, when he said, "I guess I have to work out what I would lose by not going" he then went on to plan a time for getting his hair cut before the wedding. I think he's committed in is head that he will go and I will now, carefully, behave as if I knew that's what he was going to do all the time. I think, I WON!!!
Am I being manipulative, or is only manipulative because I am conscious of the process I am using?
Anyway, today I'm going to get my hair cut and clean the house. Then I'm going to clean my mind with the help of a psychologist (we're going to talk about my attitude to MTB) and then I'm going to see Yassou N'dour in concert.
Hmmm, that's right, somewhere today I'm also going to do some Rowany preparation.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-01 05:33 pm (UTC)If you are, you're totally undercutting it by letting him read your damn livejournal.
Why do you need to talk about your attitude to MTB? Seems fine to me.
because I'm a good actor
Date: 2004-03-01 11:35 pm (UTC)Mostly because it gets in my way when dealing with my kids.
for instance last year while doing counselling with G I realised that I was behaving one way and feeling another. This undermined the whole process I was there for, ie G. I have 2 other children who I might want to do some sort of counselling with in the future and resolving my feelings will help that process.
for another instance, when I am arguing with children I sometimes have difficulty separating their behaviour from the way MTB behaves.
Also because I don't like the way I burst into tears when I talk about my feelings about that relationship.
Thanks for your vote of confidence in my acting abilities btw.
Re: because I'm a good actor
Date: 2004-03-02 03:16 am (UTC)But in this instance I was really just attempting a humourous comment on the fact that most negative responses to MTB seem perfectly justified to me.
Re: because I'm a good actor
Date: 2004-03-02 03:17 am (UTC)Do I make a habit of hurting your feelings, or simply steamrolling along and not noticing them?
no subject
Date: 2004-03-02 03:21 am (UTC)But your sister is still a little girl.......isn't she????
Ummmmmmmmmmm.
I think I should go and lie down some more.
How old is she now anyway?
Actually, no, don't tell me.
God I hate my life.