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I'm angry. I think I've made progress, because when I thought in the car that I was shutting down my emotions, I recognised that as my anger response. Then when I came inside I told them I was angry and then let rip. Unfortunately nothing's resolved. But I did say I was angry.
I wanted to play happy families tonight. I wanted to get the good food that happy, functional families easily get it together to buy every week. I wanted to give my children to an interesting cultural experience, that I've planned to do for years, but never quite managed. Wanting to do happy families seems to be the wrong thing for me to do.
We went to the Preston Market. We had cheap pizza for dinner. I gave G $20 and set him lose on the deli section while J and I bought the meat. We met up again after that and I wanted to spend the last 20min of open market time buying fruit and vegies.
( stupid domestic in the middle of the market )
I have several options:
1. Never take G out in public
2. Fully and completely describe exactly what activity I am planning and get G's complete agreement and a clear understanding of the rights and responsibilities we each have. (sounds like bullshit to me)
3. Keep fucking trying
4. Find some kickarse consequence for his behavior so I am sure that he gets how completely out of line he was this evening (we are still arguing this one. He doesn't understand what he did) (I'm still trying to work out if I was unreasonable in any way)
5. Find some way to get J to understand how FUCKED using violence with G is ( I guess I'm embarrassing him with this post)
6. Send G to live with his father, they can rot in this sort of bullshit together.
7. come up with a consequence, only to have G defy me again and continue this bullshit power struggle
I'm not happy with any of them.
Part of the problem has to do with the dissonance of G's position. He is a child, with an incomplete view of the world. He looks like an adult and mostly speaks and behaves like one. When I interact with him I treat him as an adult and then get surprised by his lack of ability to behave in the way I expect reasonable adults to behave. Then I come down on him like a ton of bricks, because I feel he can't afford to behave that way. He looks too old to make allowances for.
It feels a lot like when Z was two, and I realised that I was doing too much for him and needed to teach him to wait and make do with what he had. Z threw temper tantrums then too.
I wanted to play happy families tonight. I wanted to get the good food that happy, functional families easily get it together to buy every week. I wanted to give my children to an interesting cultural experience, that I've planned to do for years, but never quite managed. Wanting to do happy families seems to be the wrong thing for me to do.
We went to the Preston Market. We had cheap pizza for dinner. I gave G $20 and set him lose on the deli section while J and I bought the meat. We met up again after that and I wanted to spend the last 20min of open market time buying fruit and vegies.
( stupid domestic in the middle of the market )
I have several options:
1. Never take G out in public
2. Fully and completely describe exactly what activity I am planning and get G's complete agreement and a clear understanding of the rights and responsibilities we each have. (sounds like bullshit to me)
3. Keep fucking trying
4. Find some kickarse consequence for his behavior so I am sure that he gets how completely out of line he was this evening (we are still arguing this one. He doesn't understand what he did) (I'm still trying to work out if I was unreasonable in any way)
5. Find some way to get J to understand how FUCKED using violence with G is ( I guess I'm embarrassing him with this post)
6. Send G to live with his father, they can rot in this sort of bullshit together.
7. come up with a consequence, only to have G defy me again and continue this bullshit power struggle
I'm not happy with any of them.
Part of the problem has to do with the dissonance of G's position. He is a child, with an incomplete view of the world. He looks like an adult and mostly speaks and behaves like one. When I interact with him I treat him as an adult and then get surprised by his lack of ability to behave in the way I expect reasonable adults to behave. Then I come down on him like a ton of bricks, because I feel he can't afford to behave that way. He looks too old to make allowances for.
It feels a lot like when Z was two, and I realised that I was doing too much for him and needed to teach him to wait and make do with what he had. Z threw temper tantrums then too.
