an uneasy relationship

I like what fighting does to my body.  I like doing an exercise that involves my muscles and my head.  I like showing off my bruises, and even just knowing they're there.

I hate the second guessing of myself that I constantly do around fighting; will I get into armour tonight? will I get overheated? do I feel comfortable playing with this person, or that?  Will I be overwhelmed by other people's enthusiasm? Do I want to?

I should be fighting when I want to.  When the joy in the activity drags me to my armour and makes me put it on.  But I need to keep a certain level of fitness and practise to have a chance of feeling that joy.  I won't ever feel it if I'm not fit enough to cope, so I need to make myself do it often enough that I can keep having a good time.

I've thought it before when contemplating this issue - I give myself too many options.  Some things need to be done regardless of how I'm feeling, or who's there, or what my armour looks like.

Enough angst for today - I'll just get on with it.  Until next time.