My morning walk to work

[mrsbrown]

I typed and sent this home today. About an hour after writing it I went home sick, when I caught myself with my head in my hands for the third time. I've been asleep for about 2 hours so far and I'm about to go back to bed to read.

As I walked to work today I took a slightly different route: on the other side of the road.

I walked up the hill beside the hospital. The one that I've been telling everyone is too hard for me to ride my bike up. And I heard what my head was talking about - the story of Z's birth, and I was ready to sit down in the nearby park and cry.

I have been feeling glum the past few days (j says month) so I guess the story (of Z's birth) was easy to rise to the top.

I began to wonder if that is the real reason I don't want to ride my bike up the hill. If I walk, I can walk on the other side of the street and ignore the hospital. If I ride, I have to be on the side of the road nearest the hospital. I haven't understood my aversion to riding to work. Before I started this job I rode my bike to work happily every day and enjoyed the (slightly smaller) hills on the route, I even enjoyed the longer ride I had to do when I walked T to school. So it shouldn't have been physically hard to do. Maybe it was/is too hard psychologically.

I've had 2 other jobs in town since Z was born. When I started both of them I rode my bike, and then riding just got too hard and I took public transport. I had to pass the hospital for them too. The first was when Z was only 6months old and I nearly burst into tears every time I went past the hospital. I went and saw someone then, but was too restrictive about what I was there to do (Hypnotherapy to remember what had actually happened).

Maybe I should move. I've been avoiding engaging the architect for the reno's for the last month, I don't think I want to do that either.

Having cleaned up the bathroom, I feel like we could rent out the house with a minimum of effort and then I could ride my bike from Northcote. Where we could rent a house until I work out what I want to do.

There were other thoughts too - move o/s, move to another city and then I remembered that I can't because I'm tied to my kids, their schools and the shared parenting commitment I have made.

Comments

[splodgenoodles.livejournal.com]

It may be worthwhile talking through strategies on how to deal with the trauma before making such major decisions.

Another thought: if you are depressed, bad memories and traumas plague you more. It can take time to sort out whether this stuff is making you unhappy, or whether you are unhappy first, and this stuff is therefore hurting more. (My life lesson was depressed comes first, then other things hurt more. But everyone is different.)

I knew it was traumatic, but I was not aware of how traumatic it was, and that you had *so much* trouble with recall. I remember you telling me about it. But I guess it must have been an abridged version.

I hope you have a good rest and a nice weekend.

[sjkasabi.livejournal.com]

Hey, sounds like you need company after sleep. doushkasmum and I thought it might be good to do the walk tomorrow in the late evening to miss the worst of the heat... if you're not up to walking, maybe we could bring dinner over?