(no subject)

[mrsbrown]

Today I made a pregnant woman cry.

I was in a very full tram and people were crushing themselves into the doorway. I moved my self out of the doorway to the other, less full, parts of the tram and watched as people carefully held onto their territory.

Finally, frustrated, I started suggesting that people more out of the doorway to let more people in and a woman asked me how. So in small words and steps I explained to her that every one who could should take one step away from the door. She exclaimed that she was pregnant and had to have some where to hold on, if she moved and fell and lost her baby it was my fault.
I answered the only way I could. I loudly proclaimed her pregnancy and insisted that someone give up their seat for her.
She got all self conscious and burst into tears while refusing to take the seat I had arranged for her.
after a reasonable time, I tookthe seat myself.
I'm a bad woman.

I hate the macho pregnancy culture we seem to have at the moment. Why can't women admit that they need help and extra consideration ?

Also, why can't people maximise the available space on the tram without the intervention of busy bodies like me?

Comments

[staranise.livejournal.com]

What a silly woman. Sheesh.

[zarfmouse.livejournal.com]

I was wholy unaware of the macho pregnancy culture. I thought make a seat for the pregnant lady (or the old person, or the disabled person) was pretty universal. I mean it's even on a sign on the priority seats.

It seems to me that you did the absolute right thing. Perhaps the tears could be attributed to the hormonally confused hell of a pregnant brain?

[hnpcc]

Part of the maximising space thing seems to be that if you end up in the middle (particularly in the new trams where there are fewer seats) there is literally nowhere to hang on. I understand why people crowd the doors - they've got a hanging point and they're damned if they'll be forced off it. It's yet another reason why I hate most of the new tram designs - they seem to work on the idea that you can fit more people in, all of whom can balance perfectly as the driver fangs it around the bend.

I have to admit though, had I been the pregnant woman I'd have taken the seat. God, even if I weren't I'd have taken the seat.

[pheloniusfriar.livejournal.com]

Sigh... well it sounds like you did the right thing in response to her rather confused reaction to her own pregnancy. If a seats free, I'll take it. If I see someone eyeing the seat I'll ask them if they need to sit down. Pregnancy is only obvious for a short period of time. If she's worried about herself, she should have just asked for one of the seats rather than having to rely on the frustration of a stranger to do it for her ;).

[splodgenoodles.livejournal.com]

I hate that some of us are so angsty in public space that this sort of situation arises in the first place - it's one part this stupid macho thing, but one part this feeling that she's not among supportive people(so someone stepping in on her behalf is actually quite threatening - it's about her losing control when she feels like she hasn't got much control to start with.)

I'm one of those people. Some of us are much more self conscious than others and while I need allowances made for me all the time, sometimes I really hate it when it's done loudly and I just want to disappear. Really depends on the situation of course, and my headspace at the time: if I'm feeling isolated it's bad. If I were with friends (say if I was with you and a few others and you were being pushy on my behalf) I'd be fine.

So it's about trust I guess.

[splodgenoodles.livejournal.com]

Which is not to say, by the way, that I think you did the wrong thing. It was a tough situation and you chanced upon someone who was clearly feeling *particularly* powerless and put-upon.

[mrsbrown.livejournal.com]

No probs.

It is useful to have your perspective to help me interpret the situation a bit better next time.

Because there *will* be a next time :)

[splodgenoodles.livejournal.com]

Oh good. In that case, here's more of my perspective:

don't give people help they don't agree to it first.

If you want them to want your help:
1. respect their personal space (mental and physical);
2. assume they have a preference for discretion;
3. take the trouble to make it clear that you aren't a threat and you don't eat kittens for breakfast and
4. make it clear that you'll leave them alone if they want you to.

And no matter how much empathy you might feel for a pregnant woman who's standing up on a tram, it means nothing if you haven't communicated that to her. And if she tells you to leave her alone, fine. It's quite reasonable that the space near the door be occupied by people with special needs.

[quatrefoil.livejournal.com]

I can really understand the not wanting to move thing on a bus. I'm not pregnant, but I'm short, which means I can only hold on if there's something upright to hold on to - I can't get a good enough grip to hold onto the horizontal bars. I tend to squidge up next to an upright and let the taller people move around me. In the newest Sydney buses there are vast tracts of space where short people have nothing to hold on to except dangling triangles which don't provide any stability. The bus designer has also managed to remove the handles that used to be on the backs of seats, and despite the fact that it's theoretically a wheelchair-enabled bus there isn't enough room to get a wheelchair down the aisle. Even better, there isn't a stop-the-bus button that you can reach from the seats designated for the mobility impaired without standing up, and those same seats are so high that my feet don't reach the ground in them so I and presumably the mobility impaired are thrown around even when we're sitting down. I'm hoping the designer of the bus gets to spend eternity dangling from a yellow triangle. I've been working my way up to this rant for a while - can you tell? - so thanks for providing me with the opportunity to vent.

[tcpip.livejournal.com]

You know there is that joke (often made by pregnant women) that the baby's brain steals the blood supply and injects weird hormones into their system so they can't think straight...

This might be one of those moments :)

[vonstrassburg.livejournal.com]

The fact that someone had to ask "how" gets me.

This happens on Sydney buses all of the time, especially down Oxford St for some reason. You'll get 6 or 8 people standing crowded in the doorway, while there are a dozen or more vacant seats elsewhere on the bus. They won't even move aside to let people on or off the bus usually.

If I can manage to hold in a fart long enough to let it go as I push past these people while trying to get off at my stop, I do. Does that make me a bad person?

[astemudfoot.livejournal.com]

I hate the macho pregnancy culture we seem to have at the moment. Why can't women admit that they need help and extra consideration ?

It's similar to the Macho menstural culture too. Is it so bad to admit that *some* women (not all, by any means) are adversly affected by their period, and quite possibly should make an effort for 3 days a month to take a rest and look after themselves? In other cultures (Pakistani for example) its expected that you will be absent from work for 5 days a month and their work schedules are designed to adapt to that arrangement.

I'm not saying we all need to call in sick 5 days a month, but it really upsets me that we are all so afraid that people might think we're weak if we admit to feeling "a little run down" for a few days. Or that we might need a bit of extra sleep or an extra cup of tea in the morning. I feel that as a culture we don't respect our cycles or our pregnant state enough and therefore we've lost touch with that part of us which makes us uniquely feminine and in a lot of ways, gives us our strength and reiliance.

Sorry. *end rant*

And tram brain (when people don't think and do stupid illogical things because everyone else is doing it) - I just don't get it.

Making Pregnant Women Cry is Fish in a Barrell Stuff.

[villana.livejournal.com]

I hate public tansport. If it's the not the idiots who block the doorways, it's the fact that I'm short and my train is always overstuffed. I am usually forced to stand face firmly pressed into the armpit of some tall guy (who can actually reach the little hanging yellow grip thingy) and maintain my dignity as I'm jostled back and forth by stops and turns and fellow commuters. If I'm lucky, no one will grope my butt on the journey.

*phew* That feels better.

Re: Making Pregnant Women Cry is Fish in a Barrell Stuff.

[mrsbrown.livejournal.com]

Yes, I could have included the comment, "but that's not hard"

Strangely, I have always enjoyed the camaraderie of people crammed into a small space together. I would probably have enjoyed London during WWII for similar reasons.

Anyway, now it just reminds me of my adolescence and the fun times I had on the tram and train with my friends on the way to and from school.