Today's angst topic - Trustworthyness

[mrsbrown]

I think of myself as trustworthy.

Lately I've been feeling like it's harder to achieve than I like; That the promises I make to people are not always being kept.

I try to prioritise stuff. I put family stuff first, then work and then my hobby.  But I feel like my actions aren't really keeping it like that, I think because when I make a promise to an individual, that overrides the priority goals and I have to keep it, or my brain will explode with the stress.  In some ways the Baroness thing is a promise I made to a whole bunch of people, so it's harder to prioritise it in it's rightful place (at the end) or I feel super guilty about some of those promises.

Promises are really useful at work.  I use my promises to people to motivate me to do stuff and create deadlines that I then have to keep.  But I think maybe I have too many promises on the go at the moment.

It is reasonable for my daughter to ask me to spend time helping her to organise her room (build bunk bed, clear my desk, move it to her room, move new desk to study)
It is reasonable for my workplace to see me for at least 7.5 hours a day, if not longer, particularly when I'm about to become a shareholder and there's stuff I need to do about that.
It is reasonable that I attend Monthly Bash, sufficiently prepared to reward people for the stuff they do, looking like a Baroness.

I'm not sure I can do all three this week, while also mothering that 2 year old and occasionally paying attention to my 15 year old.  My husband will also have to wait, and I certainly shouldn't do any work on that sock I'm halfway through.

Also, there are 7 weekends until Festival, and only two of them don't have an SCA commitment.

This is a bad time of year for my work commitment, and I think that's my real problem.  My brain doesn't want to let me put that ahead of SCA stuff, particularly Festival and really, I just want to go home and sew. (After I've organised MsNotaGoth's room).

(pause for getting myself to bed and chatting to Sneetch)

Hmm, this rave has put the summary into my head - I'm so stressed I can't do anything except recite the list of things I should be doing but haven't done.

And the problem is half solved - I've written the list and I can start ticking things off, that'll make me feel better.

Comments

[cortejo.livejournal.com]

Wow, I realise I have no idea who you are in-real-life. You are a baroness?

[quatrefoil.livejournal.com]

I understand this only too well - different contexts but same effect. I think work is the non-negotiable in this one - but only up to a point. You have to spend 7.5 hours there, but probably not more than 8 or 8.5 each day. Also remember that the time you spend at work is for your family - and possibly explain that to them. As for the rest of it, I'd suggest apportioning it out. Maybe half an hour or an hour with your daughter in her room. Maybe the world won't end if you don't go to a monthly bash this month, providing you went last month and you'll go next month? (FWIW, I don't think it's particularly healthy to have an SCA committment every weekend, particularly at this time of the year - from my experience that's getting well into burnout territory.) Perhaps you can trade some of your time for that of some of the other people in your household?

As for the stress - and I'm in that space at the moment - the question to ask yourself is 'will anyone die if I don't do x?' If the answer's no, then you can get out of it. Feeding the two year old is probably the only thing that's absolutely essential under those circumstances. Work probably falls into a similar category if you want to keep a roof over your family's head, but the rest of it is stuff you'd *like* to do not stuff you *have* to do. Sometimes you have to break commitments that you made in good faith because circumstances change or you made a mistake. All you can do then is apologise honestly - my experience is that mostly people understand. And finally - remember to keep one hand on the ladder - if you don't look after yourself, you can't look after anyone else. Maybe that means taking half an hour at lunch time to work on the sock?

Trust

[mishymoocow-2.livejournal.com]

I've been reading a book The Speed of Trust by Stephen Covey (son of the 7 Habits guy). It discusses different aspects of being trustworthy, including Integrity, Intent, Capabilities & Results. It sounds to me that your problem lies in the third - and not because you're not a capable person, but because you just don't have the time. Mr Covey would probably encourage you to keep all your current commitments but not make so many next time. I prefer to think that people will be a bit more flexible than that.

[teffania.livejournal.com]

So the SCA is lowest on the list. Everyone will cope. But attending monthly bash doesn't, or rather shouldn't have to be a big production number for you. You should be able to fall out of bed into your garb, turn up to a setup venue, depart before the packing up is done. Because the big commitment of being a baroness is attending, not always being the first to turn up and last to leave. (and it doesn't have to be both of the baronial couple, remember) Lean on your guards and ladies a bit more. Encourage others to learn the arts of sufficiency. And this month I hear there are some fundraising efforts happening that should produce some cheap servants too. (could they be prebought for setup?).

If you can't turn things around so stormhold happens without you, you are just the thing that makes it sparkle, then perhaps then it would be time to set a date for stepping down. Not a near date, but say a year and a bit away. Otherwise burnout. Of course I could be overstating things - it is the time of year when we get the "2 weeks to festival" shock happening, and want holidays to get ready for our holidays. It's the time when you realise how much stuff you wanted to do after last festival, but it's still before the time when you scale down the plans to something more achievable.

The other final thing is that sometime commitments can be delegated. There are times that are about bonding and trust, but others that are just about seeing the thing is done. Look hard and decide which is which - is moving the desk about the physical act of moving a desk, or it it also about proving you do things for your family. Annother example - hoods of warmth are something the baroness hands out, and is preferred to, but they aren't something she needs to make. And she doesn't have to attend every weekly meeting (nor even bash - it's just nice).

[sjkasabi.livejournal.com]

What Teffania says.

You've bootstrapped a mighty fine baronial culture into existence.

Now let it do its job.