(no subject)

[mrsbrown]

It occurred to me this morning as I moaned to myself about how crappy my mood is today, that maybe I can blame my mother.

When I was 6 my parents separated and, according to my mother, I became very depressed. Mum took me to a psychiatrist who asserted that I blamed myself for the breakup and put me on Lithium, one little red pill in the morning and one in the evening, less on weekends when I visited Dad who disapproved of giving a six year old medication for depression.

I remember going to see the psychiatrist, I quite enjoyed my visits. Again according to Mum, they cooked up a plan to encourage me to read a lot. That it would give me an escape.

We now head to my adult life and I find my head in a book whenever life is a bit difficult. Except it doesn't feel like it should be difficult at the moment, most things are fine; I just hate the world and wish everyone would fuck off.

This fortnight I've read the Vorkosigan saga, from beginning to (almost) end. I've read in the tram on the way to work, and home again. I've spent evenings reading on the couch and then headed to my bed to read a bit more before bed. When I've woken in the early morning and can't get back to sleep I've read some more.

I know I've spent a couple of holidays in my life reading for a few days and usually gotten to "I wish everyone would fuck off".

I'm wondering if I'm making myself depressed, with a pavlovian response put there when I was 6?

OTOH, I am worried about MsNotaGoth.

She's avoiding a SAC for English Language and she can't give up this subject like she did Psychology a few weeks ago. Avoiding a SAC means she's also not attending school. She went to Drama yesterday, but hasn't really _been_ there since last Thursday.

In my head she's always been the one I've worried about and I've doubted her ability to do stuff.

It's taken a steady stream of friends and acquaintances singing her praises to make me believe in her ability to manage life and her world and when she does this, I'm still not convinced.

I worry that my attitude to her makes her more helpless, so that the right thing to do is to sit on the sidelines and watch, as she makes her own way in the world.

But she's my daughter.

Comments

[splodgenoodles.livejournal.com]

I think the right attitude is somewhere in between. She has many fine qualities, but she is your daughter and she's still young and she makes mistakes.

A balancing act of knowing you're there if she really needs you so that she doesn't need to constantly check that you really are...fun times.

[montjoye.livejournal.com]

ouch. to the trained behaviour/response to reading. Also to the question of what to do about MsNotagoth. don't feel qualified to advise on either but can offer sympathy.

[(Anonymous)]

You were never on lithium (although you did take something else, I forget what)and you yourself decided that reading was a good escape, you loved reading from the very beginning, the people around you simply supported that.

[mrsbrown.livejournal.com]

hi mum!

[anthraxia.livejournal.com]

The world will not end if Ms Notagoth takes a year or two - or twelve - out of studying. It's a hard age to be at when you don't have a clear direction of where you want to be, and little sense of connection or interest in what you are studying. And it ***might*** be better for her in the long run to go out and work for a few years, maybe travel, and then go back to school, or even straight into Uni, as a mature student.

It's got nothing to do with how smart or capable she is, and everything to do with not knowing what she wants and not finding much to inspire her. Which when you are bright can be terrible, and frustrating and destructive, and not just to yourself.

Just remember, it's got very little to do with you or your parenting style and everything to do with bright kids growing into adults without having ***yet*** found what they want to do.

From my own experience, being locked into the idea that I had to finish school and go to Uni was counter-productive. I suspect I would have done what I am now doing (and loving) at 25 instead of 36, had I left school at 16. That was when it was obvious that it no longer interested me enough to go often enough to make it worth while, and I should have left and concentrated on earning enough to go travelling then, and gone to Uni as a mature student when I got back. Sticking with studying at a time when it held absolutely no attraction for me at all ended up being quite literally a waste of 6 years of my life.