this self hate thing

[mrsbrown]

mishymoocow_2 said of my self hate, "Like it's a cosy place you're well used to."

Gee, she's perceptive.

It's the place my brain goes to sometimes and I get quiet and contemplative. I quite like the contemplative bit, it makes me feel like I could write something important, that other people would read. I feel like I can solve lots of problems and be really creative. I just have to stop myself from withdrawing to the couch and reading the internet or an entire novel.

My self hate is a cosy place I'm well used to. I've been visiting since I was at least 6. It's a useful place for working out what to do next or what's really important to me. I know not to stay too long, and I know that if I just leave the house, or do some cooking, I'll be into my next mode of mood and all will be well.

I'm most likely to visit if I'm tired, so most of my self hate posts are late at night, and are paired with a "sorry about that" post the next morning.

Also, if I call it self hate, I know what it is and how much notice to take of the words my brain comes up with.

so, sorry about that.

Comments

[shu-shu-sleeps.livejournal.com]

Its actually really good that you can not only recognise the mood for what it is but also know not to dwell too long there. Its really only bad when people wallow in it..... or its their natural state of being and they have no self knowledge about it being what it is - now that would be scarey.

Hmm... that might not have come out quite right....

[mishymoocow-2.livejournal.com]

Not sure "sorry for that" is required? Not sure, "I'm not dead, I think I'll go for a walk..." is entirely comforting for us readers.

I was also posting well after bedtime, and by "I'm uncomfortable" I guess I was trying to say that I feel a bit worried about you?? My own experience tells me the comfort or our discomfort is a dangerous place.

If I'm perving on your thoughts, and that's what LJ is all about, it would be very in-appropriate for me to comment in a a reviewing sense: "I'll give her a 5/10 on existential angst, which she does very well, but only a 2/10 for the retraction because it lacked conviction". I don't think so! %}

[celsa.livejournal.com]

The thought crossed my mind that if the theory is true that we hate about other people the things we most hate about ourselves, that you must loathe me. I am the queen of the unfinished project! :-P

I get heartily sick of myself sometimes, almost to the point of despair. But I'm also sick of being sick of myself, so I take a deep breath and get used to the idea that this is who and how I am. I get some comfort from acknowledging that I now manage myself to better effect than I have in the past, and tell myself that this is evidence that things may well be better in the future. (If I can make it work, that thought set is a neat trick that moves me from a state of PLOM and fatalism to a mood of resigned perseverance with view to improve in record time.)