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May. 30th, 2008 12:16 pmIt occurred to me this morning as I moaned to myself about how crappy my mood is today, that maybe I can blame my mother.
When I was 6 my parents separated and, according to my mother, I became very depressed. Mum took me to a psychiatrist who asserted that I blamed myself for the breakup and put me on Lithium, one little red pill in the morning and one in the evening, less on weekends when I visited Dad who disapproved of giving a six year old medication for depression.
I remember going to see the psychiatrist, I quite enjoyed my visits. Again according to Mum, they cooked up a plan to encourage me to read a lot. That it would give me an escape.
We now head to my adult life and I find my head in a book whenever life is a bit difficult. Except it doesn't feel like it should be difficult at the moment, most things are fine; I just hate the world and wish everyone would fuck off.
This fortnight I've read the Vorkosigan saga, from beginning to (almost) end. I've read in the tram on the way to work, and home again. I've spent evenings reading on the couch and then headed to my bed to read a bit more before bed. When I've woken in the early morning and can't get back to sleep I've read some more.
I know I've spent a couple of holidays in my life reading for a few days and usually gotten to "I wish everyone would fuck off".
I'm wondering if I'm making myself depressed, with a pavlovian response put there when I was 6?
OTOH, I am worried about MsNotaGoth.
She's avoiding a SAC for English Language and she can't give up this subject like she did Psychology a few weeks ago. Avoiding a SAC means she's also not attending school. She went to Drama yesterday, but hasn't really _been_ there since last Thursday.
In my head she's always been the one I've worried about and I've doubted her ability to do stuff.
It's taken a steady stream of friends and acquaintances singing her praises to make me believe in her ability to manage life and her world and when she does this, I'm still not convinced.
I worry that my attitude to her makes her more helpless, so that the right thing to do is to sit on the sidelines and watch, as she makes her own way in the world.
But she's my daughter.
When I was 6 my parents separated and, according to my mother, I became very depressed. Mum took me to a psychiatrist who asserted that I blamed myself for the breakup and put me on Lithium, one little red pill in the morning and one in the evening, less on weekends when I visited Dad who disapproved of giving a six year old medication for depression.
I remember going to see the psychiatrist, I quite enjoyed my visits. Again according to Mum, they cooked up a plan to encourage me to read a lot. That it would give me an escape.
We now head to my adult life and I find my head in a book whenever life is a bit difficult. Except it doesn't feel like it should be difficult at the moment, most things are fine; I just hate the world and wish everyone would fuck off.
This fortnight I've read the Vorkosigan saga, from beginning to (almost) end. I've read in the tram on the way to work, and home again. I've spent evenings reading on the couch and then headed to my bed to read a bit more before bed. When I've woken in the early morning and can't get back to sleep I've read some more.
I know I've spent a couple of holidays in my life reading for a few days and usually gotten to "I wish everyone would fuck off".
I'm wondering if I'm making myself depressed, with a pavlovian response put there when I was 6?
OTOH, I am worried about MsNotaGoth.
She's avoiding a SAC for English Language and she can't give up this subject like she did Psychology a few weeks ago. Avoiding a SAC means she's also not attending school. She went to Drama yesterday, but hasn't really _been_ there since last Thursday.
In my head she's always been the one I've worried about and I've doubted her ability to do stuff.
It's taken a steady stream of friends and acquaintances singing her praises to make me believe in her ability to manage life and her world and when she does this, I'm still not convinced.
I worry that my attitude to her makes her more helpless, so that the right thing to do is to sit on the sidelines and watch, as she makes her own way in the world.
But she's my daughter.
