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mrsbrownI've been thinking about success a lot recently - mostly wondering if the picture in my head of a successful engineer can be achieved with my body and brain.
The engineers, above me in the hierarchy, who are good at their jobs and do stuff that involves leadership, work more hours than I do. They have a commitment to the job that I can't seem to maintain outside of the 8.30-5.30 working hours I keep. Intellectually, I would like to be more successful - get paid more, tell other people what to do, make decisions about the way the work should be done. But emotionally, I get out of bed too late to get to work by 8am and get a severe case of the "I don't cares" at about 4pm and force myself to stay until 5 or 5.30pm on a good day.
Tonight, for instance, I left at 4.30. I justified it by packing a reasonable amount of work into my handbag and promising myself I would do it this evening. Here I am...
When I was at uni, the only activities at which I would completely immerse myself, when I didn't stop because I was hungry or tired, were programming, problem solving computers and maths tasks. In more recent years, I have felt that way when writing a database and web surfing. Am I too old/ too responsible to my family to develop the sort of passion the other engineers at work seem to have? Is this because I'm a girl? or just pathetic? A straw poll of the room revealed, "you don't get gung-ho about anything"
The other area of my life where I would like to adopt some passion is becoming a Laurel, mostly because my friends are. Not in the, "they have one, I want one too" but more in the, "My friend's seem to be the sort of people who have Laurel's, I'm like them but I don't. What is it about me that is stopping me from having one too?"
[that must be close to the bone- I just started weeping]
One of my favourite book characters has a great quote - I read it again this evening:
That's great, I identify strongly with it, I vow to myself that that's what I would like to do - how do I make myself take the action? Also, is my family a valid excuse for my behaviour? Are they just a crutch, to justify my mediocrity?
Edit: is this just a figment of my imagination (my lack of passion/gung-ho) and, in fact, I'm just suffering from low self-esteem.
The engineers, above me in the hierarchy, who are good at their jobs and do stuff that involves leadership, work more hours than I do. They have a commitment to the job that I can't seem to maintain outside of the 8.30-5.30 working hours I keep. Intellectually, I would like to be more successful - get paid more, tell other people what to do, make decisions about the way the work should be done. But emotionally, I get out of bed too late to get to work by 8am and get a severe case of the "I don't cares" at about 4pm and force myself to stay until 5 or 5.30pm on a good day.
Tonight, for instance, I left at 4.30. I justified it by packing a reasonable amount of work into my handbag and promising myself I would do it this evening. Here I am...
When I was at uni, the only activities at which I would completely immerse myself, when I didn't stop because I was hungry or tired, were programming, problem solving computers and maths tasks. In more recent years, I have felt that way when writing a database and web surfing. Am I too old/ too responsible to my family to develop the sort of passion the other engineers at work seem to have? Is this because I'm a girl? or just pathetic? A straw poll of the room revealed, "you don't get gung-ho about anything"
The other area of my life where I would like to adopt some passion is becoming a Laurel, mostly because my friends are. Not in the, "they have one, I want one too" but more in the, "My friend's seem to be the sort of people who have Laurel's, I'm like them but I don't. What is it about me that is stopping me from having one too?"
[that must be close to the bone- I just started weeping]
One of my favourite book characters has a great quote - I read it again this evening:
"When you desire a consequence you had damned well better take the action that will create it"- Cordelia Vorkosigan, Memory by Lois McMaster Bujold
That's great, I identify strongly with it, I vow to myself that that's what I would like to do - how do I make myself take the action? Also, is my family a valid excuse for my behaviour? Are they just a crutch, to justify my mediocrity?
Edit: is this just a figment of my imagination (my lack of passion/gung-ho) and, in fact, I'm just suffering from low self-esteem.
