mrsbrown | Entries tagged with oma

I'm off to Oma's funeral tomorrow morning. It sounds like some of the stuff I wanted will be included, although I'm a bit concerned about using the chapel at the Funeral Parlour. Most importantly, I think some of the nice stuff I wanted to have happen will be able to happen at the pub afterwards over lunch.

I've always said that I wouldn't speak at a funeral so that I can cry as hard as I need to. But somehow, with mention of the words, "oldest grandchild", I succumbed.

( Here's what I'm going to try to say, I hope I've managed to provide a contrast to my mother, who feels that Oma didn't meet her potential because she never went out to work or had a career. )

Current Location: Under Oma's knee rug, as made by my aunt
Current Music: Sneetch playing "I'm a freak"

I went and saw Oma last night. She's an uncomfortable, uneasy, fragile echo of her old self. Maybe it was a mistake to go, but it was like picking a scab; I sort of didn't want to go, but my emotions were all pulling me towards her.

I think hospital beds are horrible places to die. If I were her I would want enough space for people to sit beside me and hold me. A comforting chest to snuggle into, as well as holding hands and stroking.

I also think I might want to ask for an overdose, although Mum says that once people have committed to dying it happens very quickly. Most of the anxiety, I assume, is around objecting to dying. Once you've gotten over that, you've made it to the end of the game anyway and don't need the drugs to help you on your way. Maybe the desire for the quick end is more about my needs than it is about Oma.

I don't know why I'm surprised that I'm not at work today. Picking at the scab of my grief is much easier at home than at work. I'm finding it easier to cry than to talk, while my sister is being all controlled, and my mum, aunt and uncle have all been crying for so long already and now they're more focussed on keeping Oma comfortable and relaxed.

I first cried about death when I was about 4. I'd just gotten out of the bath and it hit me that I was going to die one day, and I didn't want to. I cried inconsolably while my mother towelled me dry and told me that she thought it would be a long time before I needed to worry. I wonder if that was about the same time that our puppy ran away and got hit by a car?

I'm also spending some time online investigating country cemeteries. Mt Egerton looks nice. I wonder if they take new burials?

Given my morose inability lately to do anything about organising the stuff in my house, it's even more astonishing to think about what I spent today doing.

Today we went to the unit my Oma lived in for 25 years and brought home furniture, knick knacks, household linen and pictures.

Why pictures? I already have at least 5 pictures that I haven't hung.

Why furniture? I have pieces of furniture that I decided that I don't want/don't need about 2-4 months ago and they're still in my family room and backyard, cluttering up my life.

I regularly decide that I should do something about them, I stand up and look at them and then get overwhelmed and sit down again.

From the comfort of my couch, perhaps I could manage to write the list of what needs to happen;

I need to put some of it out as hard rubbish. I can ring council and then put it out the night before they come to collect it. Maybe I should do that last, so that the stuff I don't get rid of by other means can go too.

We need to freecycle/offer to friends the stuff that we don't need. This probably includes; ikea kitchen cabinets, computers (if I can persuade mr-bassman that storing 5 year old computers in our laundry is a waste of space), cupboards, a desk,

We need to absorb the stuff I collected from Oma today.

I need to cut down the grapes so that we stop tracking grapes into the house, and they stop just falling and making the backyard smell. The bees are a bit scary too.

Sigh! This is too hard too. Perhaps I should just tackle one room at a time. It would be nice to have the kitchen and family room sorted before Easter.

To cheer myself up, here's a list of some of the stuff I scored from Oma;

A circular wooden clothes dryer, like the one I remember hanging my dolls clothes on when I was 4.
a bunch of cups for at Clifton Hill
an icing gun and biscuit extruder
a nutmeg grinder
a bunch of embroidery fabric and cottons
a print of a drawing by Anton Pieck
An electric mower
a replacement gas stove (and gas lantern and heater)
an extendable oval table for doushkasmum and sacred_chao
a bunch of linen tea towels and bath towels in better knick than the ones I own
a leather jacket
a canvas stretcher bed

I also scored inadequate sleep and an overheating headache.

Blah

Current Mood: hmmm
Current Location: in amongst it all
Current Music: James and the Giant Peach

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more stuff than life

Entries tagged with oma

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Getting ready for the funeral

On Dying/Grieving

too much stuff - a whinge