I hate homework

[mrsbrown]

I've never been particularly good at doing homework. I passed Year 12 because I couldn't imagine doing anything else and so I pulled my finger out rather spectacularly in about September for exams and hand in of final work in November.

I'm really bad at the modern way of homework where parents get involved, encourage their children to develop, "good study habits" are are generally supportive. I really hate it when my children's homework gets in the way of us sprawling on the couch together and watching TV and I've never really succeeded at developing a routine that includes music practice and homework. There are always good reasons to stop, "for just tonight" whenever I manage it for more than three nights in a row.

I particularly hate T's attitude to homework and school. She doesn't do it. I get into "good parent" mode too late and then she sits and stares at the homework with the pressure of, "I have to finish this essay tonight because it's due tomorrow and I haven't started it." I could do that as a teenager. I would just sit down, do a couple of hours before I collapsed with tiredness at about 11.30pm, get up at 4.30am if necessary and finish it off in the train on the way to school.'

T throws all of her books across the room, storms out and slams the door. Then she'll come back and we'll talk about it for a bit. I'll ask her to visualise finishing it, goad her into thinking about what it would mean if she started it etc. And then she throws something else across the room, storms out and slams the door.

We do this at least once each term, for at least 3 of her assignments.

Once, I got her to sit down and do one question of an assignment. She'd throw a tanty and storm off, come back and I'd goad her to answer another question. This repeated all evening and she had a set of single word answers to an english sheet. Amusingly, her teacher brought it out at the parent teacher interviews and suggested that T's work was of a poor standard. I'd be very pleased if T did enough work for it to be considered and found to be poor. She's just constantly overwhelmed by it.

Honestly, she's been better this year than last. And last year was better than the year before. But it's still tedious and I can't help feeling that I'm part of the problem. I go all reasonable and suggest that what she's doing isn't hard at all, if only she approached it the way I would. I say, "write down the question" and "just do the bits you can do, then look at the ones you're having trouble with" and, when she has to write an essay, "Don't sit down to write the whole essay, write a list of the things you need to put in it".

Maybe I should be more like my mum, who took no responsibility for my homework until my final year of school when she started saying, "shouldn't you be doing some homework" and dropped it as soon as I told her I had it under control. I always felt responsible for my own relationships and performance at school, and just did whatever work I did and worked out that I preferred the feeling I had when I handed stuff in, than when I had to explain to a teacher that I hadn't done it. That's my justification for my lack of routine, but honestly, it's because I'm crap at homework.

So, should I let her watch tv after having the essay tantrum?

Comments

[splodgenoodles.livejournal.com]

But if she's improving, maybe that's because you've got it right.

My parents did that sort of thing when I lost the plot. Which I did. A lot. They were fairly involved.

What does she think?

[damned-colonial.livejournal.com]

I did pretty much what you did, through high school. Is T the type who can blitz through exams at the end of the year?

Something I wish I'd known properly when I was at school -- you don't *have* to pass all your classes and finish secondary school. You can go back and do it later if you realise it's necessary for your life goals or whatever, or there are lots of TAFE courses and apprenticeships and stuff you can do with just year 10. While you're at school everyone acts like VCE and getting into uni is the be-all and end-all but really it's not. I wish I'd known that. It probably wouldn't have changed how I worked or anything, but it would've made me feel a bit less like I was on a runaway train with no control.

[mrsbrown.livejournal.com]

I think T can blitz exams in the right subject - we'll see soon 'cos she's in the middle of exams now.

I *know* you don't have to finish or be great at school to get somewhere in life. I think I'm most frustrated by her behaviour when faced with something she finds difficult.

Throwing a tantrum when you can't do something, or feel overwhelmed is not a positive life behaviour. Also, when she's feeling comfortable and in control she's capable of heaps. I feel that if she could just take a deep breath, admit that it's hard and get on with it she'd be amazing. It's hard to watch her failing because she can't control her emotions. At 16 she should be over having tantrums.

Shouldn't she?

[mrsbrown.livejournal.com]

I don't feel much like I've got anything to do with her getting better. She's just in a different headspace, school's a bit more on her wavelength and she's doing subjects she enjoys.

And I have no idea what she thinks. I should ask, but probably next week when the emotion has died down.

Hey, maybe I'm a bit scared of her passions/tantrums.

[damned-colonial.livejournal.com]

Around that age, I didn't used to throw tantrums, but I did violently attack people who triggered my defence mechanisms on quite a few occasions. Never got in trouble for it though -- I presume the various authority figures who had to drag me off someone I was trying to kill figured the other person was asking for it. I stopped doing this sometime around late adolescence -- one incident during university which caused some social discomfort but no more serious repercussions -- and since then I've had much better control.

[splodgenoodles.livejournal.com]

T is fabulous. But you're right about the tantrums.

But maybe she needs to know she can be mediocre. Grit teeth, get on with it and not stress about things being perfect. Not sure. Ask her if what bugs her is being perfect or something else maybe?

[birthingway.livejournal.com]

I have no assvice, but lots of empathy. We have all kinds of homework drama going on over here, too.

[nobble.livejournal.com]

I dont know bout being over the trantrums. Perhaps thats T's way of coping with the stress. At uni when the pressure was on I'd procrastinate away until I realised that it was too late pull the all nighter and have the tanty at the end as the printer decided to run out of ink. I think its pretty normal. she's learning to cope with stress, pressure, not wanting to do stuff and growing into the adult that she wants to become. I'd be throwing books around the room too. I found that my mum and dad asking to see what I was doing and reading it and helping me out with it really helped. Motivated me to get to the next step. Sounds like you are doing all teh right things and letting T have the freedom that she feels she needs too.