mrsbrown | Entries tagged with parenting

Last night Rose nagged for cupcakes. I put her off for a while and then went outside with MrPeacock for some personalised fighter training. When we came back in the cupcakes were in the oven and MsNotaGoth was putting Rose to bed.

Later, after we'd eaten some and noted their delectability, MsNotaGoth asserted that the taste difference was in creaming the butter and sugar. She declared that she, "loves creaming the butter and sugar, it's my favourite part." When I asked her which recipe she had used she bragged that it was all from her head and that she had been making cake since she was 6.

But the recipe for cake that I've used since my children were small has melted butter.

I contemplated that exchange this morning and congratulated myself on using that recipe so many times that MsNotaGoth can make cake whenever and whereever she wants (including with solar oven while camping on the beach in Crete - another story).

Then I thought about how much I like that recipe I inherited from MTB's grandmother (Hilda's neverfail chocolate cake) with its melted butter.

And I flashed into a memory of when I was about six (or maybe 8) and making cake with my Dad. I had been involved in the making of lots of cakes by then and the cake instructions included creaming the butter and sugar. But Dad was impatient, I think it was the first cake he was involved with, or he didn't really want to be making cake with me. (The joys of single parenthood). And the butter was hard, so Dad made me melt the butter. And the cake was a bit dry and not as nice as the cake we both knew we should have gotten from that recipe.

When I say "made me", I remember a serious argument. I argued for purity and Dad used that scornful voice he uses. I suspect quoting my mother was a bad move.

I'm going to blame that story, and my father, for the fact that when I found a recipe that worked with melted butter it became almost the only cake I make. Except for that boiled fruit cake that also involves melting the butter.

Hey! I could also blame my mother! She decided (or was too poor to and then got pig headed) that she didn't need a mechanical cake beater. In the days when butter was stored in the fridge and we didn't have microwaves, that meant really hard work with a wooden spoon to cream the butter and sugar. Unlike MsNotagoth, I hate creaming butter and sugar.

Edit: MsNotaGoth likes creaming butter and sugar because she uses her hands to do it, and then gets to lick her hands clean. I'm sure I've taught her to wash her hands before cooking btw.

Current Location: the bed of decadence

One of my tricks for getting children to stay in bed is the microwave timer.

You do the bedtime routine, in our case toilet, toothbrushing, hair brushing, pajamas, english reading, chinese reading, a story. then we leave the room, asking if the door should be left open or closed (this distracts her from the protest about needing another story).

Occasionally, soon after the routine is complete, Rose will get out of bed and demand; an apple, a drink or another story. She is refused and taken back to bed. If she gets up again I will then resort to the microwave timer.

I tell her she can have whatever it is she would like - after she has stayed in bed for 20 min. I then set the microwave timer and walk away. I have never had to get an apple or read another story.[1]

It was always an occasional thing, but tonight she came out, James told her she could have a story in 20 min and she walked off again to bed. I think tonight is the third night in a row. Maybe it's a necessary part of the routine now?

[1] Although it didn't work so well for my niece the other night. Fair enough really, it was her first night away from her mother.

aaaargh!!! It was wrong to blog it!!!!

I can be reasonably goal focussed (I just need a goal!). When I decide I want to do something, that's what I want to do and I don't want to be interrupted. Kids don't allow you to do that all the time and sometimes you just have to put down the book, turn off the stove or stop sewing. Your kids need food, or sleep, or attention and ultimately, you'll get more done if you stop and spend 10 minutes giving them what they need. Otherwise, they'll just hang off your arm and slow the whole process down and stress you out. That lesson took some learning!!

I was reminded of this learning this morning while reading a newspaper article which quoted a study on altruism that found that people were most likely to stop and help someone in need if they weren't in a hurry.

Peter Singer, in examining the reasons behind altruistic behaviour, often cites an experiment from Princeton University in which a group of theology students of different religious and moral beliefs were asked to give a lecture in an adjacent building. Half the students were assigned to talk about the good Samaritan parable, half were given a different topic. Some of the students were told that they were running late, some were told that they had just enough time to make it to the nearby building, and some were told that they had plenty of time.

On their way out, the students encountered a ''victim'' on the ground, clearly in need of help. The researchers observed that the key determinant of whether students stopped to assist the person in distress was not linked to their religious or moral beliefs, but rather their sense of being in a hurry. Students who felt pressed for time more often left the victim unaided, while those with time to spare were more likely to stop and help.

I wonder what the results would be if they compared parents and non-parents, particularly mothers. I wonder if the age of the person in need would change the results?

Current Mood: hungry
Current Location: bed

"mindless acts of pointless martyrdom"

I'm also making a feed for the Free Range Kids blog.

I'm sure I'll be regularly outraged.

Current Mood: quiet
Current Location: the place I started my day

Insert 15 steps associated with failing to persuade a small child to go to sleep. And despairing of ever having a child who takes less than 2 hours to put to bed.

Insert 3 observations of ways I could improve the process, including having no life because of the need for a "routine" that means you can't go out on Tuesday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday nights like usual.

Step 16; answer the phone and leave small, not quite asleep small child in my bed with a laptop and a ranty blog post about failing to put small child to bed.

Setp 17: Come back and have small child desperately telling you that she'll give back your laptop "in one minute" she just wants to play a game.

Step 18; Argue with small child and finally lose it and take small child back to her bedroom with threat of darkness if she gets up again.

Step 19; realise that ranty blog post was lost when small child loaded internet game in window that wasn't actually logged in so failed to save

Step 20; Write something only half as entertaining as the original, although with hint of pathos for the obvious angst of it all.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Location: in bed - alone!

MsNotaGoth has friends in quarantine.

It's in two schools that she has friendship circles in.

Rose attends two different childcare organisations and Sneetch also has friends at schools in Melbourne.

This week I've realised that my family will be getting Swine Flu sometime this winter and we should start planning for it.

We will arrange to have a stock of easy to prepare food in the house, maybe I'll make some meals and freeze them. And we'll get some UHT milk too. I think we'll also set ourselves up with a stock of bread that isn't to be used unless we have flu.

Anything else?

Gee, I hope it doesn't happen in the same week as Midwinter! Should I just deliberately infect us, to get it over with?

Edit: Oh yes! and this post is good for a survivor's perspective

Current Mood: cold
Current Location: in bed
Current Music: Rose reading "One apple up on top"

My post on sca_snark

sca_snark is up to 115 comments! Most of them are incredibly negative, which isn't unexpected.

Particularly juicy comments include:

What are you doing letting your child read a snark community, for God's sake?

sca_snarkIt all comes down to CONTROL YOUR FUCKING KIDS!
It is called responsibility! Learn the term! Or don't have kids.
Wow. I thought I smelled butthurt somewhere.
Major butthurt on Aisle 2... ::eyeroll::
Sometimes the witch needed burning.
Good god woman, are you thick?...move the fuck along to your next drama.
I really hope you are not teaching pigheadedness and the propensity to be a martyr to your children.
Expecting everyone in your vicinity to watch your kids 'because it takes a village' is a big piece of steaming, self-important crap.
And my favourite response, thankyou Celsa, I bet you love the "Village" when your car is bogged to the axles, mate.

sca_snarkRiding to work today, stewing on this issue, it occured to me that if every parent responded to these stories with, "Sometimes, I'm a bad parent too", maybe we could effect a change in the expectations on parents, or just cut down on the vilification. At least it would give me something to say when I'm too angry to be sensible.

Current Mood: amused
Current Location: My couch
Current Music: The Chaser's War on Everything

I think I've worked out some of what gets me so worked up about the latest round of "I'm a good parent and I always watch my kids, but I really hate people who let their kids roam free"

It's this.

Sometimes, I'm a "bad" parent. In my younger days, it's entirely likely that people described me that way more often than sometimes.

I know that mostly I'm a "good" parent but children don't let you hold onto that appellation 24/7. They wander off even while you're watching them. They get tired and hungry. They have an excess of energy that needs to be used up. Sometimes, you haven't yet worked out that they're up to a new stage of development and the thing you've been doing with them doesn't work anymore. Or you haven't spoken to an adult in too long and you sacrifice your child's bad behaviour for a moments peace. Sometimes they're the sort of child who is going through a stage of hitting other children, or throwing temper tantrums. And this is just the "normal" kids and their parents.

Parenting is hard work and people make mistakes.

And witch-hunting people for those mistakes sucks.

Current Location: in bed, oops! I should be at work

I'm sitting at the kitchen table, and MsNotaGoth is calmly writing the preparation for her SAC.

I think parent teacher interviews this afternoon helped - they all told her how fabulous she is, that she's a leader in every class she's in. Her English teacher also told her that she didn't think her essay writing difficulites are related to her abilities and we just need to sort out her anxiety and she has the potential to do very well.

Great. But now I'm stuck at the kitchen table keeping her company so she feels comfortable just doing it. And I don't have to do anything. And just then, I made a suggestion and "completely ruined" her train of thought and she's had to go out to the pell to get her mojo back.

I'm not allowed to sew, I'm not allowed to pack for Festival, I just have to sit here, surfing and wanting to do stuff.

What can I do that will get me further along my three major tasks - Festival prep, Midwinter stuff, and Innilgard tent making?

PS I love my parentin icon. It really reminds me of the tin tacks of being a parent: there's hard work, there's pain and there's blood. There's also a whole lot of boredom while being supportive.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Location: not loading the trailer or sewing
Current Music: thumping of the pell

I just posted to the Lochac list, at 1.30am, giving all those hard arses an opportunity to flame me to char.

OTOH, not many people will see it over the weekend, so it might not be too bad.

OTOOH, I'd really like to see some respectful conversation, if that's possible when the subject is supervision of children at Festival.

Current Mood: evangelistic
Current Location: the couch
Current Music: tummy rumbling and clock ticking

Here are a couple of things I tried when I had three children who failed to participate in the cleaning process. They worked for a while and then fell over, for various reasons.

I console myself by a quote from Sean Covey, In "7 habits of Effective Families". "My family tried lots of different things to get us to do chores. Most of them stopped working after a while. But the important thing is that they kept trying."

15 min of power.
Make a agreement with all children that 15min of cleaning is not a long time. Set a timer for 15 min, play working music. Everybody does chores for 15min. All stop.
After the 4th night, I had to start making up chores for the kids and I cleaned the bathroom!

Earn money
I started this when I realised that I would be happy to pay a cleaner, but didn't feel comfortable paying my kids for chores. This is a hybrid.
Every possible house chore I could think of was assigned a dollar value. All children had to do $15 worth of housework as their contribution. Extra chores after the base contribution were paid as pocket money.
This one stopped after I had to pay one of my children $50 one week and I didn't have it. Be careful what rates you negotiate.

Keep track
I made a list of every job and a list of each person in the house with a bar chart. Each fortnight every time you did a job you crossed it off the master list and coloured in a square of your bar chart.
That one stopped because MTB boycotted it and made sure the kids knew he was was boycotting it.

Threaten to throw stuff away
I would rake (with a garden rake) all the toys and floor detritus into the centre of the room. Then I told the kids that everything in the pile would be thrown out in 5 min. I usually had to put some things away myself, but just getting it all into one pile helped.

Current Mood: busy
Current Location: the kitchen table
Current Music: MsNotaGoth and Mr-bassman cleaning up the family room

I nearly wrote this as a comment, and then realised I was asking a question I should really try and answer/discuss in my own journal.

Is it hard being on-call to a needy child? Is it hard to interrupt your meal, because the baby needs a breastfeed? Is it hard to (1) get up in the night to a child and know that no one else can do what you can, which means you probably won't get a good night's sleep for 2 or more years, unless you're lucky.

But it didn't occur to me it could be described as hard. It's just what you do when you have a baby to look after. It's what you do when you're a mother, it's in the job description.

I wonder how many of the things I think of as "hard" , aren't really. They're just what you do. Like go to work everyday, or wash the dishes straight after dinner, or keep your desk tidy. That stuff's hard. Breastfeeding a baby - piffle!

Oh god! And then I get to be guilty, because it _was_ easy for me (2), and I'm still having trouble properly understanding how anybody can think it hard, or even too hard to persist at. But I know all these people for whom it was too hard, women who pushed themselves, and angsted, and suffered pain and made informed decisions that, for them, stopping breastfeeding was the right thing for them. I know all that intellectually. But emotionally, I think, "I wouldn't have given up" and "I wish I could feed that baby/ solve that problem for them".

And while I think/feel that, I think I need to stay away from, or avoid giving advice to, new mothers. Or at least make sure that they understand my prejudices.

1. Actually it's hard to write a contemplative journal entry, when your child says, "Cake! Cake!" and then "keen faish! keen faish!", which means, "clean face" so you have to go and rearrange the face washer storage so you can find a clean one quickly next time she says "keen faish", but then after helping her wash her face, she demands, "teef!" and you give up in disgust and go and write a footnote worthy of it's own post.

2. My Dad put it into context for me a little while ago. He reminded me that I was 19 when I had MrPeacock, and the breastfeeding and mothering was easy. At 19 I had no idea of the things that could go wrong, so I was relaxed in a way that new mums at 38-40, just can't be. Although that doesn't explain the conviction I had that someone would take him away if I didn't do it "properly", or the constant flashing of Bambi meets Godzilla everytime I put him on the floor at playgroup.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Location: In the study
Current Music: bambi meets godzilla, if the sound on this computer worked

this started as a reply to

anthraxia, and then got long.

I'm not worried about MsNotaGoth leaving school. She did that last year and decided to go back.

I'm worried that she doesn't have the persistance/resiliance to keep doing the 4 subjects she quite likes, because of the one she's struggling with. That she's making a serious decision, for no better reason than she's scared of failing a SAC in a subject she doesn't like. (Except I think she likes it, she just finds ~~bits~~ assessment hard).

If she leaves school again I'm worried she'll miss out on a bunch of opportunities for doing life experimentation that are only available to kids in year 11 and 12, because they are an age cohort, all doing it together, and they're meant to do things that teenagers do.

How many things should she miss, because they're hard?

Where did I fuck up her persistance training? I find it hard because the boys have persistance in spades, and she never has.

Current Mood: upset
Current Location: bed :)
Current Music: something tinny and teenage, from the other room

This morning I was supposed to go to work. I have a huge project, thats more unfinished than finished and it was supposed to be finished yesterday.

Understandably, I was a bit stressed. Although I did manage to go back to bed at 9am for a morning nap. I was going to go to work after that.

And then my life intervened.

I ended up as the only person available to stay with Rose. OK, I thought. I'll do my work here, on my laptop.

Except that Rose has developed to the point where that doesn't work. She needed toast, then strawberries, then a drink or a book. I got progressively more stressed and frustrated with her and my situation, then I gave up.

I gave her what she asked for and then I sorted out some of our Festival washing and finally cleaned the worm farm so I can take it to work next week.

As I sat calmly on the back verandah, watching Rose clean the worm farm and play with the snails I collected off it, I realised that the secret of happy parenting, for me anyway, is acceptance. There's no point getting distressed about the stuff you can't do, you should just get on with the stuff you can.

And then MrPeacock rang. "Would I like to come to lunch on Bridge Rd with him and Sneetch?" [1] OK.

MsNotaGoth (who got her tongue pierced yesterday) arrived as I was finishing getting ready to go out, so she came too.

We had a lovely lunch and then walked home together, with a stop at the playground for Rose and, it turns out, my other children too.

MrPeacock and I played on the modern seesaw equivalent and I demonstrated that I am heavier than him, so Sneetch went to his rescue and then MsNotaGoth helped me. It ended with a splendid game of bouncing each other off and included Rose too as we swapped sides and stranded each other in the air.

Later, as I quietly enjoyed watching Sneetch pushing Rose on the swing and making her giggle, I realised that parenting is also about being open to the opportunities your children give you to spend good times with them.

It only cost me $90 and a day of work.

[1]MTB was supposed to take them out to lunch, but they had an argument and MrPeacock decided that he couldn't be bothered smoothing MTB through his hungry phase as they chose a restaurant, so MTB stormed off. MrPeacock sensibly decided to get what he could from the experience.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: The couch, under my laptop
Current Music: washing machine, children talking, and Rose demanding a breastfeed

I read this article in The Age today and I'm interested in the assumption that all 16 year olds are suffering the stress of studying for the VCE. MsNotaGoth has finally made a decision about her future (for now) and decided to stop going to school, so she's not one of them.

I think I'm going to enjoy the chirpier, more positive and self disciplined person she seems to be at the moment. This evening she washed the dishes without prompting, and has just taken herself off to bed so she can get up at a reasonable time in the morning and start work on removing the paint from my weatherboards. A job I offered to MrPeacock a few months ago and he hasn't gotten around to.

The current plan seems to be to work for me until she goes overseas, and also spend the time looking into tafe courses and maybe apprenticeships, with a view to doing one of them or getting a job when she gets back.

We'll see.

I was forced to watch Robin Hood this evening. Something I'd crossed off my list of things to do when

basal_surge wrote his review of the first episode. The piece of dialogue that sticks in my mind:

Beloved Retainer turned bad: "I shot the sheriff!"
Sheriff as he steps into view: "No, you shot the deputy!"

The striped t-shirts and Robin's hoody were also amusing. And, what was Marion wearing?

Current Mood: bed ready
Current Location: not in bed
Current Music: Rose trying to get my attention

This all about the line of parental and teenage responsibility and consequences.

Msnotagoth hasn't been to school today. She only went on Monday because I jollied her through some revision for the SAC (school assessed coursework, or a test) while she angsted in bed, then I hauled her through her morning ritual, made her breakfast and lunch and drove her to school. Unfortunately, I can't afford to arrive at work at 10am everyday.

Unfortunately, she didn't finish the SAC's on Monday and was supposed to finish them today. This morning she lay in bed, again. And I went into her room 3 times, trying to get her out of bed, and I rang her and suggested that

This year, I decided that I needed to take an active part in her homework. It worked really well. We cleaned the house for 15 minutes after dinner and then Msnotagoth spent some time on her homework. I spent a lot of energy getting her to the point where she would happily take out her books and get on with it. And then I lost interest*, and so did she.

And now she's losing interest in school again and angsting about getting there, getting there late and avoiding it as much as possible. And I feel like it's all my fault.

And I'm really conflicted. I want my daughter to have the good time she is capable of having at school, feeling on top of everything and it feels like I can't trust her to get there by herself. Should I let her be miserable until she decides she's over it and pulls up her socks? Should I bail her out and give her a pleasant school experience that she can build on later?

I've got better things to do with my life than stand over my daughter like an ogre, or even like a caring and concerned parent who just wants the best for her daughter. Although I know I don't have to stand over her for long. After a week of making the space for her homework and hassling her, she will get to the point where I only have to make the space and she'll do it. I just have a juvenile response to my responsibility for making the space for her, like that's my homework and I don't want to do it. Maybe I'm just being pathetic and having her suffer her own consequences is just an excuse for me to avoid the effort of making the space or making her do her homework.

And the other consideration is that the consequences of failing year 11, or not doing VCE, will have repercussions for the rest of her life. I've watched my friends, and her father and her uncle as they dealt with life having failed to get "the qualification" that lets them easily/straightforwardly get the job that suits their personalities best. And I know they haven't had an awful time, but I'm sure they could have had a better time, and been happier for not having that little sense of regret or failure in their life. And they got there in the end, but it's so much faster and straightforward, without the life lessons.

So, because I'm not interested in being the best parent, which choice makes me the least worst parent?

*Can I say at this point, I lost my job, and started a new one, and got into to worrying about preparation for Festival. Not so much interest lost, as attention wandered to other important stuff.

Current Mood: concerned
Current Location: at work!
Current Music: quiet, no pool table here.

- Sneetch and Mr Peacock spending the afternoon cutting vegetables for the roast

- Mr Peacock's comment during the meal, "every vegetable has been corrupted by fat and heat"

- the joy that

mr_bassman, Sneetch and Ms Not-a-goth got in putting Rose's present together, and apart, and together. It's been a trike and a push toy at least twice each. Rose likes it too.

- the achievement of the happy family, without having to pretend, until 3.30pm. It couldn't last.

We seem to have started a family tradition. I have always (since having children, and only on the years they're home) had pancake breakfast with berries and cream on Christmas day. Last year my Oma and the kid's Oma came on their way to their main festivity. It was great and they asked if we could do it again. Then my sister invited her family over too. It was nice enough to do again.

I had a cunning plan to buy berries at the supermarket after they'd been marked to half price but

mr_bassman and I were having too good a time singing carols to the people in Eltham so we got to the supermarket after it closed. Luckily, (actually, I knew I had a backup plan) I had some jars of cherries in the pantry, so we had black forest pancakes instead. Cherry pottage, chocolate ganache, pancakes, cream and ice-cream.

I only slightly over catered for the 10 of us, not including two babies. Please come to my place for morning tea, afternoon tea or dessert very soon. I have enough for at least twenty.

Note for next year: I may be considered too old for this, but good christmas gifts are the ones you can play with on christmas day. I didn't want to re-read a book.

Current Mood: now what?
Current Music: james brown retrospectives on the web

Now I'm back.

I've been thinking lately about the names I give my children when referring to them on LJ. I thought about it in the car on the way home and I thought this:

My eldest son, the one i've called G or Mr Peacock or Peacock Boy, his name means star, so I could call him Star.
My daughter, the one I've called T or Ms Not-a-goth, her name means lie-down-on-your-belly. I could call her Belly
My next son, who I think I might only have referred to as Z, his name is from a book. I could call him something else from a book. I would have my eldest three children named Star, and Belly and... Sneetch!

Anyway, I think Sneetch had a good reason for coming home instead of going to school.

Luckily I had thought about what I wanted to do this morning. I was very productive.

I took Sneetch to school, I went to the Mediterranean Supermarket while I was nearby and then I went to Bunnings for

mr_bassman's birthday present On my way home I rang Star at his Dad's house.

He had a lump a fortnight ago, then he started feeling awful and went to the doctor, who sent him to the dentist, who gave him antibiotics and strong painkillers for the abscess in his gum. He kept feeling crap and having trouble eating, so he rang the dentist, who gave him some alternative antibiotics. Then, yesterday, his entire body came out in little red dots and his face swelled up. I'm not getting to mother him through this, Star keeps staying at his Dad's house and ringing me to keep me up to date.

He's now on antihistamines, new antibiotics (not amoxyllin) and is likely to look awful for another couple of days. He plans to spend them lying on the couch watching tv. Unfortunately, he started feeling crap just before his last VCE exam, so he didn't study.

Star and I took his form for special consideration in to school, then we went and had Breakfast/morning tea/lunch at the A1 Bakery and I drove him home, to his dad's, again. I suspect this is the new mothering style for the young adult. I'm very careful about being exploited by him, only being useful when he wants me to drive him somewhere*, so I made him pay for the meal.

When I got home

mr_bassman was there, so I got him to help me empty the car. He spent the next 30min, telling me all the things he's going to make. Even as he was leaving to go back to work he came back in twice to tell me about how he can weld the front fence, and make a forge. Yes, he got a welder.

*I know, this is what parents are for, that doesn't mean I need to make it easy for him.

Current Mood: ready for the next stuff
Current Location: home on my RDO
Current Music: that unfortunate fan grinding sound

Peacock Boy* has been ignoring this problem for a "couple of weeks, hoping it would go away" So now I'm putting my friends list onto it.

He is receiving his Queen's Scout Badge tomorrow, at a special presentation. As part of the ceremony he has to give his parents and scout leader a suitable, commemorative gift. And he has no idea what to give us.

I suggested the casserole dish I wished for last week would be a good commemorative gift for me, I could think of him everytime I brown meat for a casserole. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to afford it.

What, oh friends list, should he give me to commemorate what a fantastic parent I am?

*formerly known as G, recently labelled Mr Peacock, but that feels too grownup tonight.

Current Mood: bed ready
Current Music: Why do I always post when I'm tired?

Could it be that they secretly enjoy a little taste of fresh blood, but when it gets tainted with shit, then they spit it out and go and water the roses?

Current Mood: cheery
Current Location: not in the kitchen
Current Music: Matriarchal music- 2 of my children, G's 3 friends and my husband in the kitchen

Page generated Feb. 1st, 2026 10:36 am

MrsBrown's philosophy of life and stuff

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Entries tagged with parenting

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A parent's role is to build neuroses

bedtime ritual

This morning's newspaper link.

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It's no wonder we don't bother

Swine Flu - It's just a matter of time

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On "bad" parents

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That was probably a mistake

Getting children to do household tasks

Breastfeeding, just do it.

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Acceptance and grasping opportunities

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I loved this line, but you probably have to go and read it in context