Answering my own question

[mrsbrown]

First, I believe that being a parent is not about being the best or making the best choices all the time; It's about making good choices as often as possible.

Breastfeeding is one of those choices we all have. But it's not really something we genuinely choose; we are influenced by the society we live in and the institutional support we are provided with.

I've been supporting my sister since the birth of her baby and I'm quite angry at the system (you might have noticed).

My sister (HH) did everything she could do to make sure the breastfeeding thing happened for her, within the limits of the system. She read books while she was pregnant, she breastfed within minutes of delivery and she stayed in hospital as long as she could so that she could get all the advice she could. These are the experiences she has had which would make other women choose to stop breastfeeding;

Her husband had not really had experience of breastfeeding. When the baby cried (and she did, mostly) his first instinct was to undermine HH and tell her she wasn't making enough milk.
When the baby didn't put on weight (30g in a week) the maternal and child health nurse suggested that she start supplementing with formula.
The maternal and child health nurse IGNORED the tongue-tie that was mentioned in HH's discharge notes and NEVER suggested it might be a reason for Emily's poor feeding.
When the baby put on "only" 100g the following week, the M&CH nurse suggested that HH was endangering Emily by not supplementing with formula.
The M&CH nurse ignored the other measures HH was putting in place - fixing tongue tie, going to a lactation consultant, feeding two hourly - and focussed on the low weight gaiin, making HH feel terrible.
HH has always been in control, she has to adjust to her new lack of control.
Her husband bought a tin of formula and put it in the pantry.
The disapproval she got from important people like her mother when she resolved her sleep problems by sleeping with the baby

I've been the person on the end of the phone every time she's had Emily weighed, I've been the one suggesting alternatives to supplementing with formula and I'm the one who's gone to her home, scolded her husband and made her snack food so she can concentrate on feeding the baby. I've also given her web links to the Australian Breastfeeding Association and other information on the web.

I'm really annoyed to think that other women don't have someone like me. I'm also annoyed that our health system means that HH needed someone like me. Not because it's unreasonable for new mothers to have family support, but because the system claims responsibility for the support of breastfeeding and then undermines it.

Comments

[nephthys-secret.livejournal.com]

One of the reasons I wanted to train as a Doola (birth assistant) was for the support I would be able to offer the mother with these 'alternative choices' (when did breast feeding become "alternative" sheesh!). Breast feading is normal, natural, we did it for thousands of years and built the human race doing so. Discouraging breast feeding and not supporting that choice actively is right up there for me with pregnancy being an illness that requires dozens of Dr's and the woman to lie flat on her back in a hospital bed while drugs are pumped into her system!

I know better than many how important new technology surrounding pregnancy and new borns is, I was born with my stomach open and was one of the first to survive at that time. I still will not treat my own future pregnancies as a medical illness, my births as an operation or opt for process and packaged milks and suppliments when my breasts can provide a 3 course dinner for my babies.

[tooticky.livejournal.com]

I don't have to be a parent to sense the maelstrom of guilt, resentment, fear etc. that a lot of women go through about whether to breast-feed or not. There's nothing that will make the mothers of my acquaintance "go off" like a random comment about breast milk or formula, and I've largely learned to tread very gently when talking about feeding at all.
Mum, the neo-natal nurse extraordinaire, is one of those women whose job it is to teach new mothers how to breast-feed. She gets upset when I tell her a friend's horror story about breast-feeding, saying that a lot of it is technique that has to be learned and practiced, and that without that technique then yes you're going to get very sore indeed. My aunt-in-law S had a premmie baby a couple of months ago, and worked very hard to feed him- the breast-feeding association handbook that Mum recommended helped a lot. I'm pretty glad that if I have a baby I'll have someone close to me who can help. I'm sure your sister is too. I can't think of a more frazzling time when you need good friends and family more.

[nobble.livejournal.com]

You know, I think it goes further than that. I think that the system for a long time actually promoted independence and separation from the extended family where you could get support and the quick fixes are now seen as the norm.

The breakdown in the family unit means, that instead of seeing other women with breast feeding problems and talking to people who are doing it, we hide in our homes and reach out to people who have traditionally affirmed our self worth. Sometimes though when you're tired and stressed and want to hear something supportive, you dont necessarily get that.

I think HH will always need her family and she's lucky to have you. From my own experience, I dont think that the system supplements family at all. I think that is the problem with the system, that it thinks it can.

[astemudfoot.livejournal.com]

You know, I think it goes further than that. I think that the system for a long time actually promoted independence and separation from the extended family where you could get support and the quick fixes are now seen as the norm.

I completely agree with this. It's easier for a government employee to tell you to put baby on the bottle than it is for the government agency they work for to provide adequate and consistant ongoing assistance.

In our "get it now, pay for it later" society we are taught that we don't have to work for anything we want, we can have it now and pay the concequences later. So at the time, our family and society push us for the quick fix of the bottle so that a) they don't have to see us in pain anymore and b) so that we can shut up and have an instant fix rather than working hard for what -in the long run- is the best for baby and Mum. And we pay the consequences later as we silently live with the guilt of not trying harder, not doing better, not being the perfect Mum, if only I had've known then what I know now.

When I had my babies, all the hospitals promoted and encouraged breastfeeding, but each nurse had a different way of teaching it. Each way was "the right and only way" and the breastfeeding consultant, while supportive emotionally, was at a bit of a loss to help me in my situation probably due to a lack of sufficient information or experience. And once you leave the hospital you're left on your own, crying through each feed, tired, miserable and surrounded by those who want you to have the quick fix.

I don't know if I've been much help in this conversation, but thanx for listening to my rant.

[wenchilada.livejournal.com]

Firstly, I think your sister is very fortunate to have you support. I had none. Whatsoever.

Like you, I'm a bit pissed off.

While I was in hospital EVERY midwife that came in had a different method or opinion about what I was doing. Some would tell me I had the right technique, some would literally pull Persi from my breast. None of them explained the whole thing very well at all. They closed my door and forgot about me until I rang my buzzer for something and even then, I was lucky if someone came in...or came back when they said they would. They day two/three blues sucked! My door was closed and I was left alone in my room feeling really awful.

The lactation consultant was a sour faced prune of a thing, who, once I explained I was finding the whole thing very difficult, also decided that I would probably give-up and suddenly, I obviously wasn't worth her time anymore. I was the only person who bothered to turn up to her class and she couldn't wait to get me out of there. She also couldn't tell me anything new that the other midwives and nurses hadn't already said and made fairly feeble attempts to come to my room when I was feeding. Invariably, she was never around and she was very abrupt, rude and rough when she was.

The whole experience left me wanting to get out of hospital as quickly as possible (as I'm sure you could imagine), so when they asked me when I wanted to go home, I said I just wanted to go home (rather than stay longer to get things ironed out). When we got home, my Mum came to stay, who is fairly anti-breastfeeding, neither my brother or I were breastfed. I don't quite understand her logic but it was the decision she made and so be it. Needless to say, she wasn't overly supportive of my decision to breastfeed and when it all got to a bit of a point (which was a bit nasty), with Mum only having a couple of days left of her stay, I decided it would be easiest for me to just shut her up and bottle-feed for a couple of days. My milk never came back. I wound up with a VERY unhappy baby and was feeling fairly depressed myself. None of this was helping.

The midwife took 4 weeks to turn up and do my consult, when she was supposed to see me in my first week at home. I'd had a couple of phone calls. They said they prioritised their visits to women who were having troubles with breastfeeding, but I never saw them. I was experiencing a lot of difficulty going out in public at that time, I couldn't even go to see friends without a great deal of anxiety, I would shake and forget how to speak, it was awful! So naturally, I wasn't thinking clearly and didn't really think to look for some help. So it really didn't take much to twist my arm when the midwife spoke to me over the phone, offered some gentle words, which were comforting and encouraged me to bottle feed.

Despite loads of information and support apparently being available, I found the information conflicting and support lacking.

I think if things had been different in the hospital and then also at home, I would probably still be breastfeeding.

I am fairly annoyed about it all. I probably will not be going back to Westmead Private, it's a shame it is so close to where I live.

[monstah.livejournal.com]

It's those bloddy baby boomers...they screwed it for all of us....destroyed the extended family and developed greed....thats just my uninformed opinion!

[nobble.livejournal.com]

Here here. Bloody baby boomers. Thank god I come from a weird ass central european family that is so enmeshed I could never depart from them...what is wrong with this phrase! No no, I love them to bits. They are my lifesavers. Literally!!

[etfb.livejournal.com]

Great ruddocking frack! I'm going to pass this entry on to my Beloved, who is a v. v. big fan of breastfeeding and of co-sleeping (the BatPup sleeps with us - we have a queensize mattress and a single together on the floor in the bedroom, so there's plenty of room). I can't imagine the brokenness in the brains of the people who are trying to discourage both of these. It's just freaky.

(BTW I haven't been able to figure out if I know you, although I suspect I do. Tentative wave! You'll have no trouble figuring out who I am, given that my LJ icon here is a piccie of me and the aforementioned BatPup.)