More about MsNotaGoth

[mrsbrown]

this started as a reply to anthraxia, and then got long.

I'm not worried about MsNotaGoth leaving school. She did that last year and decided to go back.

I'm worried that she doesn't have the persistance/resiliance to keep doing the 4 subjects she quite likes, because of the one she's struggling with. That she's making a serious decision, for no better reason than she's scared of failing a SAC in a subject she doesn't like. (Except I think she likes it, she just finds bits assessment hard).

If she leaves school again I'm worried she'll miss out on a bunch of opportunities for doing life experimentation that are only available to kids in year 11 and 12, because they are an age cohort, all doing it together, and they're meant to do things that teenagers do.

How many things should she miss, because they're hard?

Where did I fuck up her persistance training? I find it hard because the boys have persistance in spades, and she never has.

Comments

[villana.livejournal.com]

My two cents:
She's bright but I think she also lacks confidence in her ability. She needs a cheer leader to bolster her along the way. Especially when things get a bit tough. Positive reinforcement can be very powerful.

BTW... Can MsNotaGoth read this blog?

[mrsbrown.livejournal.com]

Yes, she can. I don't think she does, just like I don't read her Myspace or Facebook.

These are the same conversations I have had with her already.

[anthraxia.livejournal.com]

I get what you are saying about persistance, and your worries that her fears may cause her to miss out on things she will regret not doing later.
The point I wanted to make is that you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. I know my mother blamed herself for years that I did pretty much what Ms Notagoth seems to be doing for about 10 years, before I said "bugger this" and moved to the UK (with a british passport and 350 pounds - and I still appreciate how much courage it took my mother to smile when she said goodbye at the airport without loading me down with her fears.)

My mother took a very long time to accept that there was nothing she could do. And I took a very long time to find what I wanted. Yes, I regret not doing some things I could have done, but at the time, I didn't know what I wanted. And the hardest part of my relationship as an adult with my mother has been about her accepting that nothing she did or didn't do would have changed it.

I agree with villana that MsN seems to lack confidence in her abilities (which are blindingly obvious to the rest of us, really, but 'normal' to her, and to you). And unfortunately, your positive reinforcement isn't going to ever be enough (because you are her mother and she can spot bias.) I'm not saying stop, but I am saying that you aren't the one who can help her here.

I'm not a parent, so I can't really say I know how you feel. But I'm mentally likening it to how I felt at 23 when my 16 year old sister was diagnosed with cancer: helpless, frustrated, terrified. The possibilities were horrendous, and there was nothing I could do. It was the helplessness that made it so hard, the knowledge that with the best will in the world, all I could do was watch and be as supportive as I could. All the love and support in the world was not going to make her better, and I was frustrated by that so much! But I also knew that while my love and support wasn't going to make her better, not having it would make her worse.

So I guess I'm ineptly saying - you can't fix this problem. Which probably the worst thing I could say to you! :)
But it's something she's going to have to sort out herself. Of course you are going to want to do everything you can, and saying 'don't worry' is a waste of breath, but just try to accept that this time you can't fix your child's problem, because this is the point where adult experience stops being an advantage. I'm sure it's thrown into even more sharp relief by the boys being persistant.

As for the school thing, the only thing I can suggest is talk to her teacher about your fears, and then drag her into the discussion. She'll hate you doing it, but sometimes it takes someone *else* to say 'this is how it is, and it's not as overwhelming as you think it might be' to trigger the fix. The only other option is to find a well-spring of superhuman tolerance and inner strength, and every day **make** her get up, go to school and then do her homework when she gets home. Although, if you ever do find those resources, you might want to consider fixing world hunger and bringing about stability and peace in the middle east as an easier, alternative use for your powers. :)

[charlesnaismith.livejournal.com]

While NotaGoth doesn't read you regular, I do.

I just thought I'd remind you of that; therefore, change your privacy setting as you will or I can unfriend you if you want.

Persistence boy out.