confused parenting

[mrsbrown]

This all about the line of parental and teenage responsibility and consequences.

Msnotagoth hasn't been to school today. She only went on Monday because I jollied her through some revision for the SAC (school assessed coursework, or a test) while she angsted in bed, then I hauled her through her morning ritual, made her breakfast and lunch and drove her to school. Unfortunately, I can't afford to arrive at work at 10am everyday.

Unfortunately, she didn't finish the SAC's on Monday and was supposed to finish them today. This morning she lay in bed, again. And I went into her room 3 times, trying to get her out of bed, and I rang her and suggested that

This year, I decided that I needed to take an active part in her homework. It worked really well. We cleaned the house for 15 minutes after dinner and then Msnotagoth spent some time on her homework. I spent a lot of energy getting her to the point where she would happily take out her books and get on with it. And then I lost interest*, and so did she.

And now she's losing interest in school again and angsting about getting there, getting there late and avoiding it as much as possible. And I feel like it's all my fault.

And I'm really conflicted. I want my daughter to have the good time she is capable of having at school, feeling on top of everything and it feels like I can't trust her to get there by herself. Should I let her be miserable until she decides she's over it and pulls up her socks? Should I bail her out and give her a pleasant school experience that she can build on later?

I've got better things to do with my life than stand over my daughter like an ogre, or even like a caring and concerned parent who just wants the best for her daughter. Although I know I don't have to stand over her for long. After a week of making the space for her homework and hassling her, she will get to the point where I only have to make the space and she'll do it. I just have a juvenile response to my responsibility for making the space for her, like that's my homework and I don't want to do it. Maybe I'm just being pathetic and having her suffer her own consequences is just an excuse for me to avoid the effort of making the space or making her do her homework.

And the other consideration is that the consequences of failing year 11, or not doing VCE, will have repercussions for the rest of her life. I've watched my friends, and her father and her uncle as they dealt with life having failed to get "the qualification" that lets them easily/straightforwardly get the job that suits their personalities best. And I know they haven't had an awful time, but I'm sure they could have had a better time, and been happier for not having that little sense of regret or failure in their life. And they got there in the end, but it's so much faster and straightforward, without the life lessons.

So, because I'm not interested in being the best parent, which choice makes me the least worst parent?


*Can I say at this point, I lost my job, and started a new one, and got into to worrying about preparation for Festival. Not so much interest lost, as attention wandered to other important stuff.

Comments

Hey now... big hug OK?

[wizard-foots.livejournal.com]

Can I PLEASE put in a big request that you NOT flog yourself over this????

I mean, what would I know, not being a parent? But I AM a VCE teacher, and I know what this is about, more or less. She won't do her SACs properly? Well, when kids won't do SACs for me I will generally ring them at home with blood-curdling threats and tell them to drag their sorry arses in here toot sweet and with great suddenness or Sir will throw the biggest wobbly you've ever seen.....

From our teaching perspective, all we ask of the parents concerned is that they do their best to put the facts before the children and give them the drum straight up with no varnish. Which is to say....

'There is, potentially, a seat on the gravy train with your name on it. Now prove to the world that you WANT it!!!'

'Cos if you don't, then bugger off out of the way and let somebody else grab it.'

'But I won't support you while you lie around on couches all day. Oh no! You drop out of school then you can go to work like everyone else and start paying your way.'

'So stop buggerizing around and make up your godsdamn mind cos we're a bit busy right now.'

Have you had this talk? Yep, I expect so. Do we expect the parents to do any more than this? No. Absolutely not. Because we know, better than most, that you can lead the horse to water, but after that it's all down to the horse.

Know what sometimes frustrates us about parents? Very few behave like 60s parents. I mean ones that weren't completely dysfunctional, like some I could name. You get parents who have completely abdicated responsibility for parenting to schools. And you get parents who are so scared of fouling up parenting that they try to do everything for their kids and flog themselves when it doesn't work out. 60s parents fed, clothed and gave some rough and ready instruction to their kids and let them get on with it. Faced with Ms Notagoth they would have shrugged and said well, d'yer want it or not? Make up yer bloody mind!

And may I conclude by suggesting that so far as I can see you have brought up your kids brilliantly under less than optimal circumstances????

[sjkasabi.livejournal.com]

What does msnotagoth think?

She seemed to have quite solid views on what would help her do that other thing she was having motivational issues about, that you mentioned recently.

[astemudfoot.livejournal.com]

As a parent I would say that giving her the space to find her own way is probably the right thing to do.

But, as a parent, I know that if she didn't get to school and dropped out I would probably blame myself for it forever and regret that I did not do more to support her. And, there's the irrational 20-something years where young women blame their parents for everything and you know there's a chance that it will then be incorrectly percieved as "all your fault Mum!"

So, I guess the choice is all about you and not msnotagoth. Which choice is the right one for you? Which option will allow you to sleep at night?

And I think Wizardfoots has a good point about working. At Msnotagoths age I was working part-time and the thought of only being qualified as a check-out chick for the rest of my life (after experiencing the delights of the position in all it's fullness) was a good motivator for finishing VCE. Having an after school job also facilitates skills like punctuality and commitment. But, like all things it can backfire, and I had more than one friend who took up the full time check-out chick position because it was available money and they hated school.

Anyways, the idea of telling Msnotagoth that if she doesn't go to school she has to then work to pay her board sounds pretty fair and might be a good motivator. But, you have to be prepared for her to call your bluff.

I don't look forward to the teenage years with my girls. *shudder* I suck at these kinds of decisions.

Unqualified statement from Non-parent type

[villana.livejournal.com]

I think it's about mixed messages. Either school is important all the time or not at all. School can't just be important when it comes to homework or tests, it must be important everyday. Otherwise it falls off the radar, pushed aside by other things and teenage angst. Being a student is her full time job, it needs to be treated like that.

Attendance is really tough, I hated school and it was a struggle to get out the door every morning, but you have no hope of passing if you don't even turn up.

You're not an ogre or a bad parent. Like everyone in this life (including your daughter) you are working it out as you go along.