MrsBrown's philosophy of life and stuff

I've written before about my experiences with gender in small children.  And today there was another article bemoaning the wearing of pink by girls and the constraint of options they have and how they are described by society and I was reminded of an epiphany I had recently.

We were at Rose's new school and I met one the children from Rose's kinder. Her name was gender neutral and she was dressed in "boy's clothes".  I was fascinated by her because I was feeling really guilty that I hadn't managed to dress Rose that way - for a long time.

And then I looked again.  Yes, Rose was wearing pink.  A pink t-shirt, purple hoody and jeans with pink butterflies embroidered on it.  She was wearing sensible shoes.  She was wearing the same clothes as the other child. And she was sitting on the car mat playing trucks with her best friend - a boy.

Rose is generally dressed for comfort,  she can move easily in her clothes and she enjoys playing with fairy wands AND trucks.  Also, I don't generally buy any of her clothes new, so I get greeny points too.

Maybe worrying about girl's fascination with pink is sidetracking people from the real issue?  Our girls children should be able to wear whatever they want  to be comfortable and express their personality.  They should also play with whatever toys they want to - princess tiaras or trucks.  The colour is irrelevant.

Yesterday, Mordwen posted an extract from qamar's blog about the development of gender stereotypes, particularly in children.

I started to post a response, but it's more about me than I think is reasonable in someone else's blog, so here's a story about me and my experiences of gender.

qamar quoted a study I had spent some time talking with my mother about when I was a teenager.  I guess it was part of me working out my own gender identity.  It's the study where babies are dressed in "boys" or "girls" clothes and then the behavior of strangers towards the babies was observed to be dependent on the clothes the babies were wearing.

My first gender related story is of a memory I have of being about 4.  I remember standing in front of a mirror, I was wearing blue shorts and a striped t-shirt.  It was summer and I was looking at myself and wishing, wishing really hard, that I was a boy.  I spent most of the time until I hit puberty trying to be mistaken for a boy. It still makes me grin when people mistake me for a man, or call me "mate".

After MrPeacock was born I remember not buying a pink skivvie for him.  I noted at the time what I was doing, but decided to go with it.  I didn't have that problem for Sneetch - he wore his sister's handmedowns, even the skirts until he was about 3.5.  I was always amused to take him to childcare in a skirt and pick him up wearing pants.  He stopped wearing skirts when he decided he didn't want to.

When MsNotaGoth was about 4 I gave her a haircut.  As I did it I realised that I was making it look worse and worse, so I cut it all off, leaving it about 2cm long all over.  After that she spent more time playing with boys because they were more likely to include her in their games.  She also played with girls happily and I concluded that it was worth this piece of subterfuge to broaden her play options.  Maybe it's time to cut Rose's hair?  

I was interested to see how small boys defined gender.  Until MsNotaGoth went to school she was quite happy to wear dresses, they were her favourite clothes.  Then, after a week at school, she refused to wear dresses anymore.  The boys had been teasing her as if she were a boy wearing a dress.  She didn't wear a dress again until she was about 14, and still won't wear dresses without a dressing up reason.  Then again, I'm pretty similar.

Another time, maybe just before she started school, we went camping for the weekend with a group of extended family.  She was found with her pants around her ankles proving to a group of boys that she really was a girl.

In terms of my boys questioning stereotypes, I guess I've made a bit of a fuss about MrPeacock and his attitude to clothes.  Would he be called MsPeacock if he were a girl?  I love how he dresses and I love it when he's stood in front of the mirror discussing the exact cut of a piece o clothing, but I also feel a little bit uncomfortable and guilty in relation to my pleasure.

I think I've encouraged his interest in clothes - I've always praised him when he chooses clothes that match well, I've gone shopping with him and I loved it when I was choosing his clothes and could put him in interesting colour combinations and make him look great.

My children have always had a different view of gender to your average child.  We always delighted in telling them about their father's dress and makeup collection and I didn't own any makeup until my wedding 6 years ago (tomorrow!).  I work in a non traditional area and frequently do stuff (I can't think of anything right now) that other women don't do.  And then I muck it all up by having 4 children and enjoying cooking and sewing.  I guess their Dad mucks it up too by calling himself a feminist and then behaving/speaking aggressively towards women advocating feminism in a way that excludes him.

Anyway, with Rose life is more interesting again.  Her father has a much more traditional view of gender than the other kids dad did, and I'm more relaxed about just enjoying what ever person she becomes.  I have much less interest in playing games with society than I did when my other children were small.  I just want her to have a good time, and not feel that she has to fight with stuff all the time.  OTOH, we still seem to have trained her not to cry when she falls over, and to enjoy playing with blocks, trains, cars and computers.  I'm also pretty sure I would have estimated her crawling abilities accurately.